Bill Burr – Maintaining a Healthy Level of Awareness – The Jim Jefferies Show



my guest tonight is a stand-up comedian and the creator of Netflix animated sitcom f is for family his Monday morning podcast can be heard every week on the all things comedy Network arguably one of the greatest comedians of any generation please welcome Bill burr I want that guy in my house telling people to cheer louder nar that was a natural chief from the guy yeah I'm doing this I was like wow Korea areas area all right so bill things are being on the show um this is arguably a new show okay well where do you find you and that's a new thing though Americans like to get it from somebody with an accent yeah right what was going on here in Tennessee this guy knows what he's talking about he's from Europe it's like now he's Australian the whole thing is it's a Trevor Noah is South African and then John Oliver is British Samantha bees Canadian I'm obviously Australian like artists like guys with accents that's what it is evidently come from these perfect countries you just shit all over us Australians had no social issues ever never I don't know yeah we have we have a very clean consciousness I busted it Kenny is a reoccurring story every country that white people go to you know you know when I actually travel if my wife wants to go to a non-white country I always research it first because it's just like I what did we do here like how long ago was it was it from the strain of white person that I'm from you go to the white countries are like oh yeah that's great we just old from everybody I did one ancestry.com things rice paddy do that well I just they're making a fucking robot of you right now today go yourself and all I found out was that I'm the wisest person that's ever been built like like this the most diverse thing from me was 1% Scandinavian so it was all British and just nothing they just sent me back a picture of happen what happened a white people's self-esteem there's nothing just shitting all over the road to be a little bit exotic just as something no one's ever gone back said yeah I'm rushing it over here you just order a coffee women start staining that was back in the day the Australian accents not as positive as it used to be back in the Crocodile Dundee Yahoo serious days yes you can get your dick sucked in America very easily really strange because I was 14 but I remember a wonderful time back then that was true I was actually an exchange student in America for one month I was 14 and I hadn't as much kissed a girl in Australia though I was very unlikable and I came over here and Crocodile Dundee was the biggest movie ever and I fingered like three chicks in a week so thank you Paul Hogan thank you that's great I was actually a heartwarming story I'm glad yes had you had a good time in our country because you're we're both relatively new dad you're newer than me you've got a child in the last year congratulations thank you thank you very much are you worried about the world that we're leading into yes yes tremendously robot social media microchipping all of this stuff that ten years ago people thought I was out of my mind and now you're just seeing it happen that place in Wisconsin some sort of company these please fucking morons agree to get microchipped it's just a dumb other one in the hand where they're going up again machines like this it's so convenient you know dude you know in the future there's going to be no cash and they're just going to have all your money on that thing and then bullies are just going to be grabbing your hand I don't want to face with it I don't yeah I said I haven't be a single if they cut your hand off that the chip shuts off because guys with just psychos will cut people's hands off you know tie a tourniquet if they give a shit about you bleeding out he'll just walk around with your hand when nobody's looking I'm just gonna take it out okay sir nothing painful stuff you know are we doing the technology thing because like i ually me and you are both a product of the internet like we got popular through people putting out clips up of stand-up and that's how we got the following and all that cyber stuff but I'm not a big internet guy I think it's not good for society so I'll tell you why because what happens with the Internet is it used to be we lived in a world where let's say you fuck the pig right and it dog a hero an intelligent animal and that guy feels like an accomplishment yeah so yeah you fucking pig now personally fuck the pig used to feel alone in society used to go I shouldn't fuck pigs probably I'm the only person in the world who fucks pigs and now they can get on the internet and go who else fucks pigs and now they're part of a community I I ordered wait you know what it is the internet lets you delve into the darkest parts of your mind and it's not good and it's like you've been on a you know not a porn I've watched I – I worked on vice squad for the last 30 years and it kills the partying you know and I just think that I don't know I think social media was like a good experiment but it didn't it just doesn't work it no we shouldn't know that many people we shouldn't and I don't think people should be allowed to make comments anymore I think we need a little more china in our internet yeah because it's depressing every video you look at it's just inevitable before it goes into politics racism and all of this stuff me god forbid you yet anything that you watch on now I was watching this thing like I'm fascinated with like how evil chimpanzees are like we finally just decided we finally discovered that they like you know just in front of the iSchool it's not real dude are they don't really talk that fucks my next question no they were just showing these things and how they actually cut down other monkeys and they eat them and they're fucking lunatics and I can't say lunatics they're just not like these things that you can put overalls on and hang out your house they're going to rip your face off so I'm watching I'm reading it just was blowing my mind and then of course underneath it was just all this racist stuff about black people and all that stuff it just ruined it ruined the whole I thought was going to be a bunch of other people all fascinated going like thinking shit that I was thinking like – what would you do if the fucking thing was coming at you what would you crap you had a knife would you try to stab it or just kill yourself before you cut off that's what I thought it was going to be and it wasn't even going great great create from create what they're rednecks stupid shit it's effective people feel need to comment on even when you watch porn there's people underneath like I enjoyed it but the black guy ruined it in cases like there's so many porn options just go up no blacks and then you enjoy in fact you're racist fucking thing that you need to do I'm gonna cleanse suit would like the fucking front coming up with his big rates in sport right so that's the thing we're having a kid now and pong because when I was young there's that all that's idea that I had to I had to porn magazines that I stole from a dumpster behind a news agents and then I actually actually buried them a mile away from my house because my mother could play I wrote on my bike with two magazines found a tree and then I dug a hole next to the tree and I buried these magazines and once a week I'd ride my bike after after this magical tree and I would wait behind the tree like a chin right now but my point is like my kid now gets on an iPad and he can't read or write his own name and he's just like choosing things by the time my kids like ten he'll just be waking up in the morning putting his virtual reality goggles on it'll be like triple fisting please he'll say please because I brought him up right but that man is that little cunt that Lily that Lily hurt my heart to hear that the kids are gonna do that man I I have a theory that technology should have stopped right around 1995 right we could cure enough diseases cars were good enough it was right around there we should have just stopped and we're not we're going to keep going I don't know where any of this goes I don't I don't watch the news where do you get your news probably people correcting me on Twitter people go oh maybe you should read this you know you know how people make point hey fuckhead maybe you could read that like like you're going to get passed hey fuckhead like Oh what is your point for what I still do I click on it and then I read their idea what's the truth and then I start spewing that out and bars and yeah I don't yeah I try to say you know I try to stay a healthy level of kind of knowing what's going on because I go in front of crowds and then just completely not know what's going on I lose myself in hobbies and I just yeah I don't want to see any of it because then it's going to be depressing and then all the racist morons and idiots are just going to be yelling at each other underneath it and I find that I find the Internet to be it's an odd combination of really exciting and mostly depressing like it's great for sports stats and watching an old movie Hollywood movie is that guy still alive yeah yeah you know you play that game I get fascinating movie and everybody in it's dead I'm like they're all dead look at that kid that kid grew up got old and he's dead I don't know what I mean the Internet good for that type of stuff but then all this other stuff I don't know it's just weird thing where everybody's just completely out of control yet if you go to a comedy club like they're really like the Millennial kids are super conservative like it's flipped I was at the Laugh Factory last night they like a really groaning in shit it's just like dude I'm fucking old you should be shocking me no it's just like oh my god that bald 49 year old holy shit he was he was out of control are you am a US I don't know your political leanings I know you and I've watched you a lot of stage would you call yourself a liberal or a conservative I thought I was liberal until I moved out here and then there's just like a this psycho extra level of liberal where it's just like there isn't they are as insane as some of the craziest people on like a right-wing thing like they're just totally extremists and I find that a lot of bullying out here just as much labeling but they're patting themselves on the back because they feel like the way they think everything should be is so right because they live near an ocean that ocean will do it the ocean second you see the ocean you start thinking you know things it all depends it depends on the situation I'm a big believer in helping out people that need help but I'm also a big believer at some point you got it you got a like quit your whining and and you got a you got a cuz nobody gives a fuck about you or your dream right okay it's up to you to care about it so you have you have to the end of the day you got to make shit happen you can own they're only going to push you behind the bicycle for so long to make sure you don't tip over so and it's just it really did the art of it is when to apply which I'm not saying I know how to do but like this sometimes I'm really empathetic and then there's other times it's like how will you shut the fuck up you know it all it all depends that's the thing I say it infuriates me about America is this whole idea of the American Dream and it's like if you work hard and you put your mind to it you can achieve anything and this whole idea there's a drink and I agree with that everyone agrees with that but it's not a distinctly American thing everywhere believes that you know that right it's not like in Australia we're just going local if I hit me head in a hammer and eventually I'll have a house behind me like this this is the thing that American dream is as you said like I'm somewhat of a socialist I believe in health care I believe in housing I believe in taking care of veterans and the mentally challenged in the end oh and the one have you I believe the American Dream is if you work hard you can achieve anything but if you don't yeah fuck all right it's a dream without a safety net yeah you walk in the Rope without a net we don't have a net yeah got it I mean that's basically what it is you're kind of you're fucked so treat your kids right because someday when you can't work anymore they're going to be the ones getting you applesauce because the government is that's basically what doesn't show you kids are because I always think that about like every bit of money that I earn I always look at my son they go eventually he'll get that and then there's another bit I mean it's like fucking all right I mean why should he get to live off me but I did my parents gave me fucking shit that really would give a kid a complex if he was doing you had your own TV show and then you die and your kids go on you the best dad man I love you met fit and he gets absolutely nothing he's gonna walk for the rest of the time did this guy even give a shit about me you gotta get him a car or do you get a car you get a car I'm a depreciating asset you betcha I've done right boy they'll give him a very good education I vaccinated him here yeah how scary was that did you vaccinate yeah I did and I cuz everyone was scaring the shit out of me telling me don't do it or the ones to do don't do these ones and they would really get me all worked up and then finally I was just thinking about everybody that told me that I was like none of those people had lab coats on with degrees frames behind I was talking to plumbers comedian listening to actresses it's like they didn't even go to medical school they went on some website right I always say I'm right calm you go then everything agrees with you when I get it I'm just gonna I'm going to do it and I was nervous as hell I had my wife take my daughter over there and we did it and we did it you know in two batches and now she's fine now I feel good because now you get older you know these kids come over they'd put that mouth on everything everything's just gross and it's just like I don't know but she spent completely inoculated is that the work with you you've got the AG bit right because your your child is still a baby so I putting a needle into a baby is like oh you won't remember this yeah cuddle him a bit I wasn't there for that I didn't want to watch that but two weeks ago my child at four had to have his booster shots he had had the same shots again but now he can talk to you okay I oh that's a terrific day because you go in there and you know it's going to hurt like fuck it's a big needle straight into the arm in both arms and you go let's do that it's okay you guys how much is it going to hurt you guys this much and I went a little bit more little people and then I knew was going to hurt like all buggery right and then I bring him in and the doctor the doctor comes in the doctors like okay you gonna have to get your shots now and then down and then oh nice then he leaves because he's the guy gives lollipops that is friendly like how we doing you know then they bring in this woman who her job is just torturing kids and Jesus comes in one needle into the arm and he shot four foot across this thing and he goes didn't hurt this much birthday oh no hello hello and I'm already bribing because he got another needle I'm like going Lego Legos coming your way and then I just held him why he was thrashing around when they put the other one in and anyway he doesn't seem to be autistic so all's good I actually feel bad for that woman that has to get those shots this by the way she has that look on her face which is just like she has to listen to kids cry all day that just shows you know who are saying that bother I think it's better than a man with an erection well yeah I mean that's mostly be kind of apply that to everything yeah he parties shit out here well he's just not a guy standing in with an erection I would go with please check out bill unaffected out of funny people on the all-team ponies podcast network will be right [Applause] you [Applause]

20 comments

  1. False. Australian accents are still just as great as Americans always thought they were.

  2. We're a closed end mutation, our time is up. Dinosaurs lasted 200 million years, think about that 200 million years ! As a species, homosapiens have been here 200 thousand years, roughly 1000th of the time that the dinosaurs were here. And what have we done in that tiny time? We've fucked it up, literally, we've fucked the planet up, and most of that in the last 200 years. So stop panicking folks, stop trying to save things.. we're fucked, it's over. We burned fast and bright and it's all over now. Adios amigos… I'm glad I'm 50 something because I'll probably see the end of the good times, but soon people, soon it will become obvious to us as a race.. our time is up. This is the end… and your imaginary friend in the sky ain't gonna help none either, God, Allah, Buddah, Vishnu, whoever. Stop kidding yourselves, there is no God… it's all over now and the planet is ready for another ugly reset.. just like it did 66 million years ago. In the few short years that remain, quit the fighting, quit the hate, quit the sarcasm and the bullying and if you can find it in your hearts, just love a little. One day it will come… in a blinding flash… and then it will be too late

  3. OK, i'm really fuckin' hungry and i know its off topic but i had to tell someone so yeah, gotta cook me some shit.. but I'm too drunk to stand, so yeah… these guys are the two funniest guys alive… George Carlin, love you man, rest in peace….

  4. Actually with porn you kinda just project yourself onto the male actor banging the girl, so like if he's a different ethnicity or body shape etc, it can throw off the immersion. Not racist lol

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