Dealing with Depression & Starting Medication



doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo hello so I'm officially one month on antidepressants I actually just picked up my subscription today in my last video I kind of announced to the world that I have mental health issues haha big surprise a trans man with mental health issues ah no yeah that was a hard video to make but the response was so incredible I am so grateful to have such amazing audience but yeah there are just some things I'd like to talk about today to kind of start this kind of mental health discussion on my channel so I guess to begin I mentioned in my last video that I experienced some really bad denial my denial dates back literally years I'm not talking just in the last few months where this is really like flared up but I don't know from the age of 18 I knew in the back of my mind that I had anxiety but I just didn't want to call that anxiety I was like well I'm just shy I'm just nervous I just haven't experienced this so it's new and I'm scared everyone else around me was like Alex you have anxiety you need help um yeah and that took years before it actually accepted that but you know anxiety and that whole thing I was dealing with that like I have been dealing with that my whole life I honestly think I've always been an anxious person the depression thing and just the constant sadness was something I really wanted to shun away because they even now it's difficult for me to talk about because I think on some level I am ashamed and it's frustrating because I shouldn't be ashamed everybody gets sad like well if this is normal so I think looking back on it now realistically I've probably been depressed on like varying degrees of depression since I was like 16 maybe 15 ever since I kind of started to understand like my gender identity and probably maybe even my sexuality and the negative repercussions of that like getting bullied and just feeling crap by myself in general that's probably when it started but I think because I know I was trans I never even considered depression a possibility I always thought it was my gender dysphoria just making me feel terrible and I thought you know once I was on Australian I'd be happy but then suddenly I was on testosterone and I was still unhappy and then I was thinking okay well once I've had surgery surely then I'll be truly happy I had surgery and for a while I was happy like honestly transition that's like not over but I don't even think about being trans anymore and like I'm fine with my body like it'd be great if I was born sis and I had a penis but like you know this for it isn't something that beats me down every day but that's just it if it's not that then what the fuck is it because I still feel awful um yeah after having surgery in the January of last year I was kind of coasting on through with life and I have always had like my peaks of my troughs in terms of like happiness and I guess mental health you can ask any therapist or professional ever spoken to I have always said that my mental health suffers the most when I'm boarded like when I've got a lot of free time so in like the school holidays or when I have time off work just because I probably think too much and I don't have a goal to work towards I'm really goal orientated and I love achieving I love succeeding I'm not gonna lie 2018 has been crap for me some really awful things have happened to me this year i isolated myself I lost friends I went through a breakup some really exciting projects that I was looking forward to fell through and never happened YouTube in general started to decline you know everybody knows that nobody gets as many views as they used to I suddenly started freaking out about my like professional life like my career and you know I think it's that is kind of I think all people in their early 20s go through like oh my god what am i doing of my life and I've been going through that as well so like that piled on top of everything Jesus man it's been really hard and like I've been suffering this year it's really not been great I'd say the breakup in April that was when I took my first big hit because like I'm not gonna lie I was devastated you know what I was strong through that like although I was incredibly her an upset and there were lots of emotions there it didn't take long for me to drag myself back up I think you know what I'm gonna get through this I'm gonna you know bet on my life I don't know how I'm gonna evolve as a human and I think I was trying to do that and try to like find friends and find new people and I was trying but then it was like a no it was like a fake little bit of hope and then I plummeted back down again you know but even saying that and how like all those things happen to me or wherever yeah they kind of broke me down and now I feel like naked and exposed and I'm hurting but why can't I heal from those things so was it really those things that made me this way or I've always been this way and it just kind of like uncovered it anyway yeah so that's some background into the bad shit that's happened I don't like like go in to detail because you know those things have happened and I'm dealing with those things all the time but yeah like I said when I was younger I would fall into the bad places when I had free time like when I was off from work and stuff like that probably about May time I was falling into those bad places pretty much every night like late at night when I get tired and I you know when your brain wanders and stuff like that yes so that's like happening and then it started happening more frequently and I was getting a bit concerned because I was just scared for the night to come and then suddenly it was happening when I was alone in my room not doing anything and that's when I got seriously concerned because suddenly I couldn't concentrate on things I didn't want to do anything because all this stuff was just happening in my brain the way I described it at the time was I was having invasive thoughts and I really was like things would just pop into my mind like terrible just bold statements like negative things about myself I made a tumblr blog where I documented some of these thoughts and I can't even tell you them right now because I have tried so hard to break out of that vicious cycle of having those thoughts that I can't even remember nobody wants to talk to me I'm a bad friend and they've all given up because I take too much effort to maintain friendship you are nothing nobody wants you I carry a poison that infects everything I come into with E you get the picture so yeah all things like that would just pop into my mind all the time when I was alone or bored or driving and it was so scary and distressing because I didn't want to think these things but it was slowly ruining my life like I was getting into all four states of just like crying hysterically and gang angry or like the amount of times I just walked out of my house and drove to the beach and just sat there on my own I like 9 o'clock at night 30 minutes away from my house like who does that like I just needed to get myself out of this space and somewhere else where I feel like my attention could be you know taken by the things I could be distracted but you know what I didn't a long before I found out that that didn't work and I couldn't just keep running from things and trying to ignore it I had to tackle it head-on I think I realized that when it started affecting the few like relationships I have when it started to concern my parents or like I don't know I have like a couple of close people in my life and when they started to get concerned about me I was like okay this isn't cool at that point I reached out to my GP I called her up and I was like look I feel terrible I feel crazy I actually said that Jo I was like I feel like a crazy person I'm having invasive thoughts I don't know why I feel like I should be fine but I was really worried to talk about it because I didn't want her to take away my testosterone just in case she thought it was like a hormones thing and maybe might almost all out of whack and they were like causing me to be crazy like I feel stupid saying it now because at the time she was like don't be ridiculous that's no that's not how we're gonna do this like I feel like that's a very real concern a trans person can have you know I was also really scared to reach out to help because I didn't want to be put on medication haha I don't know how I fell into this bubble but it seemed like everybody in my life that I surround myself with has something bad to say about medication be it through personal experiences or them just hearing things you know down the grapevine or whether I'd heard a few people on panels at like YouTube events and stuff like that talk positively about meds but you know when the negatives outweigh the positives you know what I was talking to my GP about things I was stressing they're like I don't want to go medication I just want to talk to somebody I just want their opee she referred me to somewhere where they did diagnose me with anxiety and OCD and then I was put on a waiting list for CBT cognitive behavioral therapy or something but the waiting list for that is super super long like I'm still waiting I have no idea what I'm gonna get an appointment so my GP was like okay that's fine just stay on the waiting list keep an eye on things if things get any worse you call me you tell me I was like okay cool sounds great cut forward a few weeks later and I was just getting worse like the spirals were getting more frequent they were getting scarier the thoughts were getting worse I wanted to just hide away I didn't want to talk to anybody I didn't want to do anything like so much of the last couple months is a blur because when I'd spiral I can't really remember so eventually I got to what I consider to be my lowest point today I had a panic attack in public which wasn't nice I don't think I've really ever had a panic attack like that before like I think I get like anxiety attacks or whatever and so like my vision will go kind of fuzzy and my ears kind of screw up but like I was I was having a panic attack the week or two after that I can't even remember it was so sad the feeling of worthlessness was I speak and that's when I started experiencing invasive thoughts about suicide for a bit before then like the invasive thoughts you know kill yourself like that would come to mind and this is how you could do it but then you know the last couple weeks it was bad it was just complete enough to hopelessness like what's the point what am i living for nobody cares I have nobody I'm alone the people I do have they think this about me they think that about me and they were all like irrational thoughts things that weren't necessarily true but were just magnified by my uncertain as' I keep using past tense but like I'm not officially over the line like I still experience this stuff it's just not as dark as it was at that point with that said a big turning point for me was when I was driving home one day I was like 70 miles away from home I was driving back and I started you know going through the cycle again go through a spiral invasive thoughts or negative things bla bla bla bla bla I started getting the suicidal thoughts and then it kind of changed I started thinking to myself how would I do it and still live and probably about five minutes after having those kind of thoughts I was like wait a second is this a cry for help why do I want to live why would I want to do that and still live why would I want to put people through that oh shit I need to do something about this and I called up my GP again we were talking about medication again and she prescribed antidepressants I'm not on a very high dose I'm on sertraline but I can honestly say that it's so far working for me I'm not spiraling every day like I used to I still feel pretty shit sometimes but yeah I feel like I'm under control a little bit more now I feel like I can think I feel like I can breathe I feel like I can be alone without being scared of myself and where my thoughts are going my GP said you know I can use it for as long as I want to if it's not working like we'll talk about and get me off of it or I can use it as a stepping stone waiting for this CBT that's gonna happen whenever it's gonna happen starting medication for me was incredibly difficult because I thought like I had failed again it was just another failure to add on top of everything that's happened this year I felt ashamed for starting medication because we'll the stigma surrounding medication I felt weak I felt weak because I couldn't just deal with all my problems head-on and like physically and practically I'd always said I didn't want to throw pills at my problems and now I was and yeah I just felt like a sham basically but you know what despite all those things like it took me to get to my lowest point before I finally accepted I would rather have pills and not exist anymore so yeah that's my story of whoa it's fucking sad but I hope that inspires any of you out there that's struggling to reach out for help in whatever way you need it somebody will be out there to support you even to this day I still have the number for Samaritans in my phone just in case I'm ever having a meltdown and I just need to talk to somebody to anybody there is so much support out there for mental health I'm gonna put a bunch of links in the description so please check them out if you're struggling depression is scary and it's noisy and it's just a vicious cycle that's very easy to fall into it's so easy to feel bad about feeling bad and it's even easier to isolate yourself so please please please do not do what I did I tried to keep myself busy to the point of exhaustion I tried to just drink my problems away I tried to keep myself around people all the time to be distracted but none of it worked sure some of those things were a brief escape but that's not changing anything long-term you know it is important to find those things that give you just a little bit of relief because in your darkest hour you're gonna need that and you need something to pull yourself out of it but you need to start thinking about how you're gonna live long term by all means I am NOT the Oracle of all knowledge I've been on antidepressants for a month like yeah I'm still working through things myself like I'm still figuring things out but yeah just don't be alone don't hide away allow yourself to get help and try to make yourself believe that it's okay to try out different parts of getting better be that medication or lifestyle changes or talking to people but yeah just please say safe I love you so much and I understand if you're going through a hard time I get it you are not alone this might be a moment of weakness but it does not make you a weak person I don't know I guess what I'm trying to say is that like yes life can be your fault but there was also the good days like there are good days

49 comments

  1. I love your tattoos, blonde hair and eyes! Besided that, I hope you feel better. Mental health is no joke….

  2. thank you so much for talking about this online… It's very brave to talk about all this online. I'm facing social anxiety and invasive thoughts and you helped me understand things about myself… I understand deeply what you felt at this moment… I'm happy to know that you're know feeling better

  3. Yeah this is all me right now 😞 I've been better but I'm back in a bad state again,.on antidepressants waiting for them to work. But I've resigned with almost everyone you said in this

  4. I have depression over many years…I am not sure is it because of gender dysphoria or other stuff…I am struggling if I have transition completely later, what would my depression become. I have so many uncertain things that make me so anxious, I want to know how can you deal with depression detailedly after the transition.

  5. Your brain is starving! Eat lots of red meat!! You need it! Buy Chuck Roast and cut it in half or thirds and cook it in a pan 2-3 minutes each side. It has lots of amino acids for you brain neurotransmitters. Try 16 ounces twice a day! Eat beef liver twice a week!

  6. I don’t know how to deal with my problems or get the help I need I’m so sick of my self and I want to Commit suicide I been thinking about kill my self since 2016 I’m a senior in high school right now

  7. I’d like this video a million times if I could. Great job expressing yourself and feelings I’m an sure many have had and haven’t had the words to describe. You are becoming such an amazing man keep growing and learning.

  8. Learn about diets, learn about eating cleanly, essential oils, learn about meditations, your a very powerful person your very inspirational. Got outside your comfort level witch I think you kind of do. Learn about eating foods that help you function better. I will be doing this myself.Open your mind to these things. You very smart young man, I know you can do it.

  9. A lot of people have mental health issues,most people aren’t aware you are. Don’t be ashame. It will get better.

  10. This is by far one of the most honest, undoctored, and comprehensive accounts of a person's experiences with mental illness and medication I've seen. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me hearing something that so closely echoes my own experiences, feelings, and even just the words I use with other people. Thank you, Alex. I know this isn't easy to share.

  11. I relate to this so much. I was also recently diagnosed with anxiety and ocd and am about 2 months on sertraline.

  12. I wanna book a flight to england now and fly to alex's house and hug him and protect him and tell him that he is truly loved and everything is ok

  13. HELLO ALEX ;
    WITH VOICES IN YOU'RE HEAD….YOU HAVE BEEN INTRODUCED TO WHAT …. THE CORSE IN MIRACLES REFERS TO AS THE EGO….. THE COURSE WILL HELP YOU NAVIGATE THE CHAOS IT
    BRINGS TO YOUR LIFE….YOU WILL FIND ITS INSIGHT ' A ' LIFE CHANGER ….AS SEEN ON YOUTUBE OR IN BOOK FORM….THE BEST IS YET TO COME !

  14. Okey don’t hate me or anything I’m just hella confused so a girl wants to transform into a guy but also is only attracted to men so why you want to transform into a guy if you are into men maybe coz I’m cis and that’s why I don’t get it but would that make more sense to stay the gender you have been given for someone you love and not turn into a guy

  15. im honestly in that exact state that youve described as your "backstory" and notes and stuff
    and its so idk nice to feel not alone in this mental shit
    its tiring and im glad youve broke out of it

  16. hi alex! thank you for this video. i related to a lot of the things you were talking about. i grew up in a religious family and it feels bad when you know you have to prove that you can be happy without them. i feel like if they will know that i need help again it will be another point for them to say that people in this world can never be truly happy. i will be following your battle with mental illness. but for now sending you love and positivity❤️

  17. I am not just saying this but I genuinely have had the same worries about it going on meds and done the exact same things to tackle it and now it just has become to much and I have just been put on sertraline today and hoping that this is a new chapter to some help that I desperately need. It kind of relieving to hear that someone else is going through similar emotions and it makes you feel more validated in a way. Thank you for sharing this. Its nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this And I guess I feel kind of stupid now for putting off the medical help for so long

  18. I had to wait 2/3 months for CBT so I'm really hoping the wait isn't too long for you.
    Sertraline is the the better of 2 meds I've been prescribed. Glad it's helping you!

  19. I’m transgender young ftm 14 and I’m going through depression too and haven’t started t or anything my mom wants me in a mental hospital rn

  20. SAME! SAME! SAME! recently I went to see a therapist and she was like "yah your hella depressed" well maybe not exactly like that but you get the point. I'm starting medication soon and I am so ready to get back to "myself" … whatever that means

  21. Is it awful of me to be glad that you're experiencing this too? I only have one friend that i regularly see and I always randomly think things like "you have nobody" "what are you doing with your life" "kill yourself" blah blah blah blah It never clicked to me before watching this that they are intrusive thoughts. I feel so painfully lonely and hopeless all the time and I'm honestly just glad i'm not the only one

  22. I understand you and i know your feeling , i hope that you will be ok . If you want to know all the answers in your head just read the quran and try to understand it read it from the beginning to the end even if you feel that your not geting beter make it as a challenge but i am 100% sur that all your life will change because you will found yourself and why your in this life and if i was wrong you will lose nothing . I hope all the hapiness comes to you and to every one . (Belive me you'r ok just read the quran and you will found all the answers ,do it you will not lose any thing ) .

  23. I know what ur going through mate I’m also trans and suffer with depress and a load of other stuff so good luck hope u feel better soon I just hope my mental health gets better once I’ve started T

  24. Please be okay! Your my biggest role model as I'm a FtM trans! So don't do anything too risky. Remember, we all love you and support you! 💙❤

  25. I know what your feeling. It’s really hard about a year ago when I was in hospital they started me on meds and I hated it and they didn’t last long after I was discharged. And just this this week I have been put on antipsychotic and I’m shit scard of starting them and what they may do. But if it stops the way I’m feeling just now I will take it until I get some sort of treatment for it other than meds

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