Ending Relationships that Cause Anxiety | Self Help with Kati Morton | Kati Morton

hey everybody happy Thursday now today's question actually comes from my website often when I'm in there I usually been there on a Tuesday morning answering your questions in the submit a video idea tab I will pull out questions from that tab and hold them for a Thursday video so the question today is hey Kati how do we go about resolving issues that might lead to anxiety in the background with others when we don't really want that person in our life anymore I'm going through a lot of change and past relationships are causing me anxiety but I don't want to rekindle or put my energy back into those relationships I want to say sorry where needed and in a gentle manner and the relationship this is especially tricky with many narcissistic types in my life and I find it it's hard speaking to them without giving proof of your rejection of them and in parentheses says also something I don't want to do is hurt them or restart the emotional abuse cycle and I really want to talk about this because we've talked about rekindling relationships setting boundaries what we haven't talked about what do we do if we find past relationships are causing us angst and upset in our current therapy and we feel like maybe we can't move forward or we're just feeling icky about it more stuck so what do we do because we don't want them in our lives anymore but how do we move forward and the truth about it is that we don't actually have to talk to them about it the people in our past those assholes that like you are giving us anxiety now we don't have to talk to them and actually say sorry where it may put us back in danger and I know that sounds like really dramatic like I'm not really in danger but you you potentially could restart that emotional abuse cycle like the person in this question stated therefore know that you in no way have to say sorry and try to nicely in the relationship that's an ideal scenario but in many I find that the best thing we can do is actually just talk it out in therapy journal about the law general about the things that we're sorry about maybe write a letter anything that disconnects them from us so that we don't start that engagement again there's no way for them to get a hold of us and so my overall advice for this question it's number one assess what's right for you you know you the one that you're working on you're doing all most of in therapy think about what's best for you nobody else because we can never control someone else's reaction or response to what we're feeling and thinking yes we can potentially reach out if it feels safe if it's okay but if we don't know that if it could potentially be more hindering pull us back into a really nasty emotionally abusive relationship or toxic friendship whatever it may be it's going to pull us back in it's probably not the best thing so assess that think about it okay what's best for me then the second thing I want you to do is to take time so if you are considering maybe talking to them I want you to journal about it I want you to write letters you don't send I want you to talk in therapy about what happened how you're feeling because often the anxiety and upset that continues to happen from past relationships is just the fact that we haven't been given the time we're given ourselves the time to process through it and so we may be doing a lot of things I talked about in that self-hate video I'll link in the description but where our brain like takes old things that we've done that we're embarrassed about or upset about or we hate that we did and we feel really bad and it like keeps replaying it often that's something that we have to work through yes we can say sorry we're applicable but if it's not safe for us we're going to have to process through it so we forgive ourselves and the final piece of advice that I have to give is give yourself time these relationships this hurt this anxiety didn't happen overnight the things that you've gone through didn't just pop into your life so you need to give yourself the ability to process through it know that it's okay it's okay to feel anxiety it's okay to miss them sometimes even if it was abusive that's all part of our process I find it the most beneficial thing is honestly just talking it out with the therapist giving yourself the time to process it and knowing wherever you land on it however long it takes you to grieve it to grieve the loss of the friendship to forgive yourself that that's your process and however long it takes it's perfectly fine I hope you found this helpful as always leave in the comments what has helped you move past those unhealthy natural relationships that we keep kind of feeling like maybe we should fix our you need to make amends in some way how have you gotten past that let us know and if you're new to my channel click here to subscribe I put out videos twice a week and you emissions and I will see you next time bye


  1. Thank you!
    I had Blockled a former toxic friend recently who contacted out of the blue instead of simply replying back to them, asking that they leave me alone instead out of fear that having any sort of coveration with them would either drag me back into that situation or stir up drama. But the thing is I still didn't hate said person and thus was afraid my reaction rather then response would hurt them to a degree and that I didn't properly handle the situation since I have hard time understanding social cues/situations and thus second guess myself reguarding anything social a lot.
    Thanks to you and your video though I know now that I didn't do anything wrong and feel a bit better. Thank you! 🙂

  2. It depends? If it's something I feel could be worked on by talking a lot or therapy or addressing some growth maybe I or the other person need to do and agreeing on tangible things towards bettering ourselves and our relationship. If they're ar least willing I'll continue with the relationship/friendship…but if they're not then I cut them off. If they're in the wrong with some behavior or something they said but I see hope I'll set some harsh boundaries and see if they try to work on things. If they do, great! If they dont, well I guess I gave them a very fair chance and tbey fucked up so that's on them.

  3. yea…it's a double edge sword.. when people are nice to you while overstepping your personal boundaries. you feel obligated to be nice back. or, be socially nice in the first place. this is an unfortunate open door for people to take advantage of you! remember, self respect doesn't have to be nasty! you have a right to ignore people that Rob you of your precious life energy!!!!! THAT SHOULD WORK!!!!!!!!!!!;

  4. why do all these videos have words. it's so distracting!!!!!!!!! isn't there an option, if you aren't deaf?

  5. Kati I am new to your channel. I been having a lots of panic attacks and other symptoms of anxiety. I been an a relationship with a man. That sometimes it gets very stressful. I had so many dreams expectations and hope. And I think our desagrements cause me a lot of anxiety. Today I realize I do suffer from anxiety and did not even know it. Thank you so

  6. Thank you so much Kati! This video in particular and other related topics have been so incredibly important to me this summer, since I broke contact and ended an unhealthy relationship right before vacation from therapy and have to deal on my own. Often when I feel there's too much to take and start ruminating, I bring back this video as a reminder of what's important to me where I am right now. You are such an empowerment! Keep up your good work! <3

  7. I started to had panic attacks and anxiety while dating a person and especialy afterwards . So I just learned now to listen to my body and feelings. I think even worst things are worth of going trough as you learn a lot . But your videos helped me to understand myself , till some point , then I turned into writting about it and spending time alone . One thing motivated me about you … how fast you think and know and I was judged in that relationship for trying hard and trying to analise all to figure out why we are working bad and to talk and to go over as I loved a person but still was so angry all the time . Even 6 months afterwards can’t get her out of my head but now in a different way . So thanks a lot dear , you didn’t say nothing I didn’t know but helped me connect ecerything :* and speak to people more about love and lack of it as most of condisions are cause of lack of love and security .

  8. Strangely the idea of wanting to end a friendship the ,appropriate way' once did keep me in it. At some point I realized that wanting to explain reasons for ending a friendship was not only a wish of a sorts, but also a horror scenario. I knew that said person would react in a very off-putting, vainly way.
    Although my then-therapist, I guess, had mostly accredited my problems with this person to my depression, thankfully, the therapista and I found a way out. There's always the option of letting it drip out, even if you feel that would not be ,honest' or ,right to do'.

  9. I don't relate to the missing people who treated you wrong thing. Anytime I've had to end a toxic relationship or friendship I've just been relieved I'm not in contact with them anymore and that that source of anxiety is gone now.

  10. Yes it's helpful. I am hurting for breaking up with my boyfriend.. but he was giving me sooo much anxiety. I couldn't take it anymore

  11. I've just gotten out of a relationship and am suffering a lot with the post breakup mess. I had to leave though for so many reasons, one of them being one of his friends had shared with me that he wanted to write a memoir of her life. It made me feel, small I guess, in comparison to his feelings for her. Especially since they had something before he went out with me. It was too uncomfortable and while I wanted us to be friends forever, it just didn't seem like it was meant to be. Which I felt from the beginning but he was insistent and it was hard to say no since I was enjoying so much of the companionship too

  12. I'm so glad to have found your channel and now I grow the ability to love myself and stop the chaos in my head/life. Thank you!

  13. I used to be friends with someone for about 12 years, actually most of my life. I thought we were friends, but she was always very selfish and could never really talk about anyone but herself. she bragged and manipulated me. it gave me so much anxiety it's uncanny. I left eventually, but that was nearly a whole year ago and I still feel like crap. she messed me up mentally. it feels horrible. but, this video was nice to see :). thank you.

  14. i cant wait to get myself out of my toxic environment its not so bad as long as my sister is completely out of the picture but its still bad

    thx for this awesomely ha bisky vid i enjoy these

  15. Awesome video and insights, as always, Kati! I'm leaving a toxic 20 year marriage. I only left 10 months ago, and yet everyone in my life seems to think I should just be over it. Completely. And the weird thing is that they have been this way for about the last 8 months. I'm not even legally divorced yet. And yet somehow people seemed annoyed that I'm prone to moods and ups and downs. My new psychiatrists (I moved once and have been admitted to the psych unit twice – I have bipolar and ptsd) just assume that because I'm upset that I have some sort of personality disorder. But then their logic is that since I have a personality disorder, I'm not really upset or depressed or anxious or manic. I'm just acting out in some way. Then they tend to -I'm just going to be honest here – ignore me. Which upsets me more. Which makes them assume I'm just acting out and the solution is to ignore me more. Kati, it's crazy-making. I spent most of these last months believing them. Now that my stress is decreasing a bit and my night terrors and depression/mania/mixed states are calming down, I can see that they were wrong. That I am a normal person, just going through a very hard time. But how awful is that? To treat people who need help the most as if they need the least help? That whole scenario has made my distrust of people much, much deeper and left me pretty psychologically bad off. I hope that anyone who reads this realizes that going through a bad time can cause people to treat you badly – but that is on them, not you. Your message here in this video to honor your process is crucial, Kati, and I thank you for championing this cause. <3

  16. Wow. That was really helpful. When I got out of an abusive / toxic relationship last year, I found myself worrying whether I should go back and talk things through with them, because there was unfinished business. It takes time. Sometimes longer than we expect. But it does help to give ourselves the time to process. Take all the time you need. It's been almost a year and a half for me and there are lots of things I've only come to understand now. Thank you Kati!

  17. I have trouble with this issue. I have ended friendships in odd ways like stop calling back and stop emailing back. I have also just emailed saying I'm really too busy right now to get together . I try to think of the most wonderful time in our friendship when I respond , but disconnect from continuing the friendship. I try to imagine how I would want to hear it from someone else that they don't want to see me .

  18. I'm stuck in a really hard place with my relationship right now. My boyfriend is, from what I've come to guess, depressed and/or has a personality disorder. He gets in fits of rage at such little things and just today blew up in my face and punched a wall. He's been saying off hand suicidal things and the other night told me about how he wants to die. We've been together three years and live together. I tried to get him to seek help but he refuses. After blowing up at me today I told him it's to the point that he needs to either seek help or I need to move out. He thinks he can fix himself and has asked me to give him two months to fix himself and if he can't, he'll get help. I don't know what to do. I love him and he's my best friend and I don't want to leave him. He's said I'm all he has and that if I go that'll be when he'd probably end it all because I'm all that he cares about anymore. But I just can't take the way I'm being treated. He gets mad at me so easily and yells at me and talks down to me a lot. I could ramble on a long time about the situation but this is the gist of it. Any advice anyone?

  19. What advice do you have for someone who is a student who has been dependent on others for quite awhile, who is about to go into a lucrative field within the next year? I will graduate and have a good paying job and will be able to break my dependance (financially) on someone and they are holding on tighter than ever. I currently live with this person as well and will be moving into my own place, my life will drastically change. Should I take a break from the friendship for awhile after I move to learn how to be independent?

  20. Kati, how long do you believe it takes to reverse the effects of generalized anxiety and/or PTSD? (If the patient is eating healthier, has removed the negative triggers, changing their life, etc)

  21. Many people don't understand why I cut my dad out of my life and that whole side of the family. Because they were toxic. They were sucking the life out of me. They were making me feel worse and hindering my recovery.

    I don't regret it. It still causes me stress. It hurts and feels weird. I wish I had a caring dad. But I know I never will. This video is incredibly helpful. So much love for this.

  22. you always post stuff that pertains to my current situation. thank you for the encouragement and for being you.

  23. I quit seeing my therapist because he switched my weekly appointment time without asking then it seemed like he was fitting me in wherever for the last few appointments and he was letting other appointments cut into my time by about 15 minutes and not giving me the time back. He also kept talking about how busy his case load was getting so I figured he was trying to get me to quit so I did. Was I right doing it?

  24. but what about ending a current relationship …not a marriage …kids are involved …but the relationship is like the ones you describe so it is hard to end it without the abuser being nasty about it

  25. "It's okay to miss 'em." I NEEDED to hear that. I didn't know how much I needed to, until I did. No contact is best, but tough because the relationship is with my mom who has NPD.

  26. hi Kati I have a question : I'm really sick and I needs surgery I can't move like a normal person I have depression , anxiety and I think an eating disorder too I'm really fascinated by the idea of killing and blood and deep down I wanna do it but I can't and I don't have access to therapy what should I do??

  27. Thanks Kati <3 Definitely love more videos related to this and the self-loathing because I think the rumination just fuels both and these videos are incredibly helpful.. thanks luv! ❤️❤️

  28. Dear Kati, I wonder if you can help? My mother has been suffering multiple chronic illnesses and has been near death several times over the past 5 years. Although she is now very weak, she is still hanging on, and the stress in the family is growing and completely overwhelming. My sister turned nasty and sent messages saying I'm not doing enough (she doesn't even know half of what I do) and now my father has got angry and says nobody is visiting every time mum ends up in hospital (which is about 10 days out of every 14!). We're all doing what we can, but with such a long term illness the stress is taking its toll on us all. How do I cope with the anger angled towards me? I know they're stressed, but so am I, and I haven't been emotionally kicking everyone. I feel so beaten and empty and powerless.

  29. I've left my mother after 8 years of non-stop emotional abuse. And what I had done was to inform her of how I feel and that I am moving in with a friend until I can find my own place. Sometimes, this is one of the best things to do, move out and move on. I had to, because what was going on is hindering my recovery process. I've cut all contact, and will plan on getting my other things once I have my own flat when she's not home.

  30. Kati I cannot tell you enough how much I needed to hear your advice on this. I am trying to juggle past abusive relationships and I just needed some insight. This helped so much, thank you!

  31. hey kati, this is my question: is it possible to have panic attacks without having an anxiety disorder? I am a swimmer and often have panic attacks at practice or at meets. The panic attacks only happen when we do a certain exercise or If I am doing bad at a meet. When we do the one set/exercise at practice I immediately start to panic because I know that having a panic attack during the set is bound to happen. I don't really have any other symptoms of anxiety disorders so that's why I am asking this question, Sorry if this was a bit confusing , Thank you

  32. Could you make video on relationship where you still love the person, hes really nice and caring and supportive but you just don't find him attractive anymore. I slowly havent been kissing him or anything sexual and I feel like eventually its gonna take a roll on the relationship, I want to be with him but I also just feel bored and not attracted anymore it sucks :/

  33. hey Kati, i was wondering whats your advice on going through an eating disorder with parents who dont understand what is going through my head? I also get bad anxiety and find it super hard to talk to them about it; i don't have a therapist because of financial situations so i cant get anyone professional to talk to them or me about it. love your videos X

  34. I recently sent you an ask on Tumblr about this very issue and the advice you've given couldn't be better. To know it does take time to grieve the loss of a toxic friendship, and know I don't have to go back and try to make things better if it's going to put me in a situation that's detrimental to myself, couldn't be more useful.
    Thank you so much for all of these videos! xo

  35. like, how do I know if I have anxiety or not? I know I have something, but I don't know if it's anxiety

  36. can a toxic relationship ruin your mental health? i just got out of a 3 year relationship with a narcissist &during that relationship my anxiety has reached an all time high to where im no longer functional.

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