Y’all know me. Some of y’alls calls me
‘Mr. Miagi with a Coors Light,’ others of y’all call me
‘That Bitch With The Miracle Liver,’ but when you get down to it,
I’m still just your tipsy galpal, Loretta Jenkins,
givin’ you my two and a half cents on what I think on things
which is like what we call around here- (gasps)
How I Seize It. Praise Jesus!
(burps) Lord, I was house sittin’ for
my friend, Flicka the other week and she got all this Demand shit on TV to
watch, where like your TV like magically record
all these thousands of shows what you don’t even know you need to watch
until they suck you in! And then I seen this special on this dude
whose closin’ in on like 20 or 40 and he STILL ain’t had him no pussy!
Fuck. I was embarrassed for him.
And you go to think to myself… Self!
Maybe he just ugly or gay or maybe he got that condition
where he jizz all the time before he can even get it in the vag!
That prema- (jibberish)
That premiere elacajaction! Aw hell- I don’t know…
I ain’t no doctor. This is the Modern Age!
I mean, if you ain’t lost your VIrginia by the time you leave your tweens
then shit… It might not never happen.
Savin’ your cherry for your husband? Man, we throwed that out with the chamberpots
and ladies wavin’ with handkerchiefs! Ain’t nobody save theyself for marriage no
more! Contrary to what all them promise ring
motherfucker Jonas Brothers say. You know what?
I don’t care who know! I lost my virginity when I was goddamn 8 year
old! I’m proud!
I got it on with my neighbor’s cousin a few houses down Walnut Street
in between Ol’ Grandma Vore’s garage and that Mexican migrant neighbor fence-
You know, where that doberman’s always like- (growls)
-barkin’ atcha! We didn’t want nobody spoilin’ our lawn soiree.
It was nice. You know where they got that old wise tale
where they say you supposed to save your cherry for somebody special…
Well fuck that! Someone special don’t never know
what the fuck he doin’! Get you somebody with some experience
that’ll take that pussy out on the road for ya!
Shoot, I don’t want no useless goober tinkerin’ around down there that don’t know my pussy
from a hole in the ground. Shit, he, he-
Don’t that make more sense? No man really want a virgin.
A real man wanna fuck a whore. See y’all it’s simple really.
If you a virgin goody two-shoes that don’t give him no puss?
He gonna go out and get him a whore anyways, so you might as well be his whore
from the get go! And if you’re too much a whore
and your man say you losin’ it to looseness down there,
then you just gonna have to let him in the extra hole!
That’s when you better start doin’ your kegels. I do them all the time.
They called puss-ups. Can’t nobody even tell.
When you in your car, or at the Beauty Shoppe, or whatever-
You can do them kegels. Gals, do them kegels!
You don’t wanna do it in the ass all the time!
I’m doin’ them right now. Can y’all tell?
(poots) Now I know what I originally said about fag-fuckin’,
but it turns out since I don’t consume solids, my shitter pretty whistly clean
far as I can figure. I reckon I can get back with Carl now.
Wait, I think that sumbitch die, or lose a leg,
or marry one of them intersexuals… One of the two out of three.
Some dude wrotes me talkin’ can I take his virginity,
and I thought about it, cause his dick look like a fat pig leg…
But then I thought, Naw…
Better wait until he’s legal… Orange ain’t my best color, y’all.
My neighbor’s kid Patsy come over and after some shots
she confessed that she done lost her virginity, but that she didn’t bleed none.
So now I got her convinced that her parents cut off her pecker off
when she was borned all Jamie Lee Curtis like on a count of she didn’t have no balls!
Goddamn. She stupider than her momma. And that bar was set limbo low.
I heard Edgar Allen Poe momma told him that gals all had teeth in their pussy.
Y’all daddies out there don’t want your growin’ boys
turnin’ you into grandpappies better take that kind of parenting into consideration
if you want my opinion. Now I realize most of you folks out there
ain’t gonna like this HISI cause it provokes bad life and child rearin’
decisions and to y’all I just say,
“Get the fuck over yourselves.” Now if you takin’ life advice from me then
shit… I feel sorry for ya.
Cause that just mean you a complete lost cause, first class dumbass.
Now lemme leave you with this to chow on. Technically, there ain’t no such a thing
as a virgin baby boy- Unless they a C-Section one.
Cause you know how when that momma she all up in the labor room like,
“Ooooh!” (labored breathing)
And the baby come slidin’ out? Well technically, that dick done been up
in a pussy if you wanna cut hairs here, motherfuckers! Well that’s How I Seize It!