HEY! In case y’all ain’t notice,
it be Friday! Least, I’m pretty sure it is.
And that mean it’s How I Seize It time! I’m Loretta Jenkins-
That be your cue to bow. Bless you, my army of loyal minions!
(coughs) (blows nose)
Eww! What is that?
AHHH! It moved!
Grody. Well, I been a little bit
under the weather this week, y’all. I felt a little froggy
in my scratchy throat, after I blew this handful of hungins
down at the bowling alley the night before last.
So I been keepin’ myself on a strict regimen of
Pseudokaphedrine, and Robitussin Triple D
and Creme de Menthe and a couple pills
I found behind the toilet. I calls it a
Cosmo-Ima-Feel-Real-Good- In-About-Twenty-Minutes-Apolitan!
(laughs) To health, y’all!
Now you don’t even need a ‘scription if you want somethin’ around here.
There’s this trailer park on down the road that my gal Candy run-
It kinda smell like a meth lab. And you go down there
about the seventh trailer down passed that brown Lay-z-Boy
with the potted plant, and you can get you any pill you want.
It’s motherfuckin’ Candyland, get it? (laughs)
Well shit, I think I just implicated Candy on a federal offense.
Forget everything I just said… Floopnard…
Let’s just strike that from the record. Hey y’all.
People often stops me on the streets and ask me how I maintain
my youthful beauties and where I get all my
ground-breakin’ witty ideas. It usually come after they say ‘How much?’
I don’t know why. What they talkin’ ’bout?
I say, “How much for what?” and then they just drive off.
I alternate every other day between strong, healthy,
horse-sized dosages of Vitamins F and V. That’s Flexerill and Vitamin…
Vicodin. In between days of X, A and Z.
That’s Vitamins Xanax, Aderall and Zoloft. I believe what they say.
For everything that’s wrong with you, there’s a pill out there for it.
Shit, my pill holder make me look like one of them early-AIDS folks-
Bless they souls! Hell, I heard crackheads
was puttin’ down they pipes in lieu of gettin’ addicted to Roxycontins.
Shit! What’s a world with no crackheads? Hey, we need crackheads as a general rule
to make us all feel better about our own lives! That makes sense, shit!
That’s the Circle of Life! (sucking through straw)
Whoooo! Fuck, that is some Good Hooch!
(laughs) Y’all, I ain’t even got no idea
what year it is right now. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with this country!
Listen, that pharmaceutical industry probably got that CDC makin’ all these
quasi-fatal diseases up and slippin’ it in our water or liquor supply-
Whichever you wet your whistle with most- And then, you know what they do?
They gots these pills, you see… Them pills is the antidotes to the illnesses!
Uhhhhh…. Can you say conspiracy?
I can. Speakin’ on that behalf,
I hear Cuba’s got all the real cures to all these diseases,
and THAT is why our country don’t wanna talk or trade with them,
and the Bay of Pigs was just a cover-up! Probably…
Onna count of the deep pockets of the drug industry got this
chokehold on the American government! At least that’s my two cents!
I’ll bet you anything that that Pope up there in that Catfish Church,
he the one that’s responsible for Gonhorrea! On a count they don’t like it
when folks use rubbers! I mean why y’all wanna go
and do a thing like that- I mean, fuck.
Don’t nobody LIKE to use rubbers! Why you gotta make up an STD
for punish us for just doin’ what feels good and natural, huh?
What you got against fuckin, huh? Just cause y’all celibate and
molestin’ altar boys… Don’t mean you gotta ruin it
for the rest of us. Come on!
Get outta my twat, you papal nazi KK mothafucka!!!
Begone! AHHHH!
What was that? Oh goddamn! I got spiders on me!
AHHHHH! Oh goddamn, here come another panic attack.
Where my doublestack zannies at? I know one of y’all took ’em!
How much Robitussin is too much Robertuss- Rober-
(burps) Rober…Robertuss…
Rober. Red Rover, Red Rover, Send-
HEY! Wasn’t he the landlord on Three’s Company?
He had that ugly wife that wears all them weird moomoos?
Hey, Mr. Roper! Did you make this?
Hey! On a pretty good offchance
that I pass out in the next few minutes… I don’t wanna be rude,
so I’m gonna leave you with this. Don’t trust nobody!
Don’t trust your government! Don’t trust your pharmacist!
(burps) Don’t even trust those sketchy Girl Scouts
peddlin’ they fatty-snacks. And that’s How I Seize It.
AHHHH! Get them off me!
Goddamn spiders! Get them off!


  1. "Just cuz y'all's celibate and molestin' altar boys doesn't mean ya gotta ruin it for the rest of us"…god, I love you, Loretta!

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