[upbeat music in headphones] – [singing] ‘Cause I’m hot, hot,
hot for you, baby You’re gonna drop, drop– – Uh, hi. Excuse me. I wasn’t expecting
to see Porky here. Uh, I’m sorry
to interrupt you, we just can’t seem
to find the bathroom. – Oh.
You come here a lot? – Uh, just when my son
has a birthday. – Oh, right on.
Well… I’m here all the time.
[chuckles] Uh, listen, I know a way to make
your son’s birthday the best ever. – Sounds great. – Yeah, you can
give him the gift he’s been desperately wanting. – What’s that? – A father-figure.
– Excuse me? – You can I can get together
and we can give him back his childhood
before it’s too late. What do you say,
sport? How would you like
Porky to be your dad, huh? [groans, gasping] – Good job, Davey,
that was definitely “stranger danger.” – [choking]
Wait! Wait! – Oh, my God! Ian, are you okay? [both grunt] – [panting]
No, Mads, I’m not okay. I’ve totally lost
my Mom Game. [upbeat music] – This is America Land of dreams Everyone can climb higher – Not you, though – You’re stuck here – ‘Cause you’re a part-timer – Yeah! – You can do anything – As long it’s not hard – And you can go anywhere – As soon as you get a car – You’re gonna be
a huge success – Come on,
that’s not who you are – You’re a part-timer
cursed with full-time dreams And this low-paying job Is as bad as it seems Bad as it seems What the [bleep]
are you doing here? Whoa What the [bleep]
are you doing here? Oh But seriously, dude.
– Like, what the [bleep]? [creaks] [crashes] – Just sit down
and relax. – You know,
girls used to fall for me and see me
as husband material. Now they don’t even see me
as step-dad material. Somewhere I’ve just
lost my special lady touch. – Here, let me help. – What are you doing?
What– [grunts] – You’re much more attractive
when you’re not talking. [upbeat music] – You’re just telling me
this now? What the [bleep]? [suspenseful music] – Lori,
Ian almost died just now. I’m not saying that
would’ve been a total loss, but I am saying you should
let me teach a first aid class. – Hurry up, Dinger. You don’t need ten minutes
for every move. – Lori, please! No one knows anything
about safety around here. – I can hold my breath
up to seven minutes and still defend myself. I’m the very image
of safety. – Fine.
– Yes! [suspenseful music] – Got to take
the load off sometime, huh? – Hm.
– Yeah, me too. You know, no one
ever tells you with kids it’s just
take, take, take. – Mm-hmm.
– [sighs] [suggestive music] – Oh, thank you. – Thank you all
for attending first aid class. Just one of the many benefits
we’re offering our strip mall community and, in exchange,
you guys will give us free car washes, right? – We’ll talk. – The pretty one
offered pizza? – Oh, I never said that. – I did. – You know,
I wanted to switch to formula because after six months
of breastfeeding, I couldn’t feel my nipples.
– [groans] – Does that make me
a terrible mother? – Uh-huh.
– You know, you’re right. Taking care of myself
will only make me a better mom. You know,
you’re a good therapist. – [giggles] – You know,
I have a friend who’s struggling
with some body image issues, could I bring her over? – Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. – Mads,
the floor’s all yours. Whoo! – We will have pizza
at the certification ceremony, but first,
we have a three-hour lecture, a self-reflection essay, and a multiple-choice quiz. – Three hours?
– W-w-wait. Three hours buys you
a lifetime of safety. Plus, two full years
of certification. – Come on, man,
let’s get pizza next door. You want to come? – Or, I’m prepared to
show you how to disembowel an attacker
with a flick of the wrist. – And I will show you
how to re-embowel him with first aid. [cheers] – I’m going with Dinger.
– Yeah! Uh-huh. – Whoo! [all giggling] – This is better
than therapy. – Better than chardonnay.
– Ooh, Helen, you bad. [laughter] – You are so not like
my ex-husband, Porky. I find that a man
that’s not trying to fix me is incredibly appealing.
– Yeah. – Yes.
– That’s right. – [giggles]
– Hey, Ian– Porky, uh, Lori says we have
to go to first aid class in the staff room. – [grunts angrily] Mm-mm.
Mm-mm. [groans angrily] Forget first aid. I have an emergency
and I need your help. – Me?
Oh, my God, Ian, anything. – Shh. – [whispers]
Anything. – Okay.
I’m in total lust. – Um…sorry? – Go in to Lori’s office,
get the box of red wine, the boom box, and the tape
labeled “Love Making Mix.” Now!
– No! I’m not going to help you
seduce a bunch of customers! Okay?
I’m going to first aid. – Dude, you’re an Eagle Scout, you don’t need
a class in first aid. You need a master class
in manhood. Hell, I’ll give you
a merit badge, okay? – Fine, okay? But just to be clear,
there’s no orgy merit badge. – Pete, prepare to learn
from a sexual dynamo. And, um, by the way,
when the love making starts, uh, don’t look me
straight in the eye. You know?
Keep me in the corner. Direct eye contact’s weird.
Okay? Cool. – Okay. Got it. – Elbow left!
– [all grunt] – Let sweep right!
– [all grunt] – Now let’s hear
those battle cries. [all shout] – Now, take
your wallet’s back… [all grunt]
And then your dignity. [gong crashes] – Unless you
never have any. Hey-oh!
[both laugh] – [clears throat] St– So, now that your attacker is disabled,
disemboweled, and decapitated,
tell someone to call 911. – Too late! Your attacker’s syndicate
is rolling up with a taste for vengeance. Assume your ready position.
[all grunt] – [groans, whines] [suggestive music]
– Oh, yeah. Oh, right there.
That’s the spot. – You can only supplement
your personality so much, Linda. You have needs. – You know, I don’t think that
my ex-husband even loved me. I think he just liked
the mask I wore as a “happy wife.” And I’m afraid
to take that mask off. Oh, Porky. I know you love me
just the way I am. – What’s under your mask,
Porky? I want to see what’s under
fun fur. – Yeah.
– Oh, yeah. – Can we see
what’s under there? – Come on, let me help you
get it off. [suggestive music] [all chuckle and coo]
– Oh, he’s so cute. – You’re adorable. – [laughs] – Look at those cheeks. – You know what?
You have been so good to us, I think we
should give back to you. – Yeah.
– Mm. – I am so ready for that,
ladies. [suggestive music] Let’s do this. [upbeat music] all: Kee-yah!
– Hut! all: Kee-yah! – Now that’s what you do
when the valet says your car
is not nice enough to park. – This is not first aid! Dinger, I’m trying
to teach people skills that will help them
save their lives, not just destroy
other people’s lives. – The best offense
is a good defense. The best defense
is jumping off the wall on to your attacker’s brain.
– [shudders] – [yells]
[thuds] [all groan] – Dinger? Dinger? He’s dislocated
his shoulder. Lori, get me a pillow.
Ella, call 911. Car wash guys,
hold his body, I’m gonna snap his shoulder
back in its socket. One, two–
[bones crack] – [screams] – Oh. [amazed gasps] – How’d you know
to do all that? – Have you been here
for the last hour? – Do you any idea
how humiliating is is to not be able
to ride a plane? If you invite me to Paris, I have to leave
six months in advance to go through
the Panama Canal. – Ohh…
– Baby… – Honey, it’s okay.
– Everyone makes mistakes. You are a human being. – I thought you were
a “sexual dynamo.” – I’m not, Pete! Moms… I have a confession. I thought this whole thing
was leading to the best orgy of my life–
– [clears throat] – Okay,
the only orgy of my life. – Aww. – You thought you had
a chance with us? – That’s so cute.
[chuckles] – Honestly, I would choose
him before you. – [chuckles] – Can we still be friends?
all: Oh, of course we can. – Nope.
You gonna lose that paw. – Coming through, guys. – Oh, my God!
Is he gonna be okay? – Yes,
thanks to my expertise. – Hey! Are you the furry
that tried to orgy with my wife? – No, it was
an emotional orgy. [groans]
[everyone gasps] – Hey, bro,
what dojo you at? Whoa. [upbeat music]
[upbeat music in headphones] – [singing] ‘Cause I’m hot, hot,