How To Eliminate Stress And Anxiety FOREVER | Srikumar Rao



I'm gonna speak to you today about how you can cultivate extreme resilience and eliminate stress but I must tell you that that's just a a bait-and-switch because what I'm really going to talk to you about is how you can become a radically different person think differently have a different model of why am I here what is it all about and when you become such a person you don't have to eliminate stress it kind of goes away by itself so that's my hidden agenda okay so let's get started that's me and if you really want to eliminate stress from your life here's what you have to do [Laughter] I must tell you this really works I'm sorry I just couldn't resist the temptation to put that on okay most people report that there is more stress in their life than ever before I have asked thousands of people on six continents why is there stress in your life and of course thank you given and they've given me dozens of answers and I've basically boiled them down into eight major factors or eight major categories and I'm going to share that with you right now but what I really would like to do first is please ask all of you to stand up please stand up so here's the deal as I said I've heard hundreds thousands of people tell me why they think they feel stressed in their lives and I've basically boiled it down to eight categories and I'm good list those categories right now and if you feel that one of those categories applies to you I'd like you to sit down okay okay so let's get started number one is financial I do not have enough I've got mortgage payments to make I've got kids to Shin's I've got all kinds of things I want to get a bigger house and darn it there just isn't enough so that's one cause for stress then there's relationships typically with partner or spouse but can be with siblings can be with children can be with you know colleagues bosses you'd like your relationship to be a certain way and darn it it isn't okay children we all know that children are bundles of joy correct they sent to bring happiness and fulfillment to you in your life but have you noticed that children do the darndest things and they begin early they poop right after you've changed them they fall in love with the most inappropriate people they drop out of school so yes children are bundles of joy they bring you growth in fulfillment they also cause you stress business and career if you're an entrepreneur you want your business to grow you want revenues to be coming you want customers to be satisfied you want to be promoted you want more responsibility bigger paychecks and darn it it just isn't going the way you would like it to be so health you'd like to be able to run the marathon you'd like to be able to run the marathon in under two hours which would be a really big deal but already you're taking the elevator rather than a short flight of stairs and by the way when I say help it did not be just about yourself could be the health of people who are close to you as well then there's the big external stuff politics and Warren meant climate change animal welfare crime this is a catch-all I have too much to do and not enough time to do it all and then there is I'm not where I want to be we have an image in our head so where we would like to be and we're not there in fact I've I was even talking to someone who had a very robust meditation practice and she was upset because with her meditation practice she thought that she should be calm and serene and you know she just wasn't there in other words she was stressed that she was stressed so I've got most of you and those of you who are still standing would you come and talk to me afterwards and I'd really like to find out which of the categories I miss all right so I told you I was going to get you to think differently and I'd like you to consider that if you mentioned any of those factors of the reason you felt stress you are wrong there is one reason and one reason only that you feel stress and that is that you have a very rigid idea of this is the way the universe should be and the universe is not playing ball with you think about that this is important you have in your head a vision of you know I have to be financially secure whatever financial security means to you this is how much I should be getting in terms of an income and it should be stable it should be predictable this is how big a house I want it here's how much is going to cost me and that should be coming to me and it just isn't happening you want your relationships to be along a certain line and your partner has a different view so you have an idea this is how my life should be you've got a rigid idea of this is how the universe should treat me and the universe goes its merry way and pays no attention to you and that is the only reason you feel stress let's go further you probably have not thought of your life in this way but I now encourage you to think of your life in this way or at least examine it your entire life has been an attempt to control some part of your environment some part of the universe let me repeat that your entire life has been an attempt to exert control on some part of the universe you're an entrepreneur you really want to grow your business you want to serve a certain number of customers you want to have certain revenues coming in because if all of that happens you think you're going to feel a certain way and you really want to feel that way you go to college you get good grades you go to grad school you get good grades you go off you join a company a well known company you move your way up and you want to become department head or you want to become CEO because when that happens you will feel a certain way your friends colleagues society will look at you a certain way and hey that's good that's what I want it is an attempt to control your environment everything that you do is in some way shape fashion or form and attempt to control your environment your entire life is an endless quest to have control this is important so do you get what I'm saying yes that's what you're doing your entire life you're trying to have control well I have some news for you you do not have control further you never had control wait it gets better you never will have control what you have is the illusion of control and this is really important for you to know so let me spend some time about it sometime on this the illusion of control comes about because in your life you have set a goal for yourself and you said you know here's my goal and if I do all of these things then I'm actually going to achieve my goal and guess what you succeeded and you did this many times in your life and each time you succeeded and so you think gee I really can do it I can do it I have control and not only have you done it but you've observed others around you and they seem to have done it and they got the results they wanted so all of that combined to tell you yes I can do it I have control that is the illusion of control and this by the way could have happened in mine times out of ten ninety-nine times over a hundred nine hundred ninety-nine times out of a thousand so you say yes I can do it in reality any of the thousands of things that could have derailed you did not be grateful be immensely grateful now the illusion of control will break down in your life and every one of your lives it'll break down sooner or later and if you firmly wedded to the illusion of control that's when you go to pieces now I'm not knocking the illusion of control it is a wonderful creation that's what makes you get up in the morning and strive and do all of the things that give meaning to your life and accomplishment but it's wonderful to use the illusion of control knowing that that is the illusion of control because when it breaks down and it will sooner or later in every one of your lives you don't go to pieces you simply say ah this is where the illusion broke down where do I go from here okay there was a wonderful novel I was reading which really brings home the myth of control and it's a really good novel so it has a protagonist and there was a king who was somewhat autocratic and a queen who was even more autocratic and in a distant province the natives were rebelling and the king got tired of this rebellion and he really wanted a peaceful Kingdom and being a control freak he decided the best way to control the situation was to magnanimously accept some of the demands of the rebels so he decided he was going to do that and the way he was going to do that is he was actually going to go to the place where the rebels were and give a speech in which he would magnanimously concede some of their demands and he hope to bring them in default so he announced that he was going to be giving a speech there and it so happened that the leader of the rebels decided this is a golden opportunity what I'm going to do is I'm going to bump off the king and the Queen and he really wanted to control the situation and make sure that it happened so he sent not one not two not three but six separate assassins to bump off the King now the motorcade route where the king and queen were going was published so the six assassin positioned themselves along that Assasin's number one and two were somewhat slow getting off the mark but assassin number three threw a bomb and the king and the Queen were in a open car with the roof folded down and the bomb struck the folded roof bounced into the street behind and blew up the car behind the Kings that was the car that contained the bodyguards and that tipped off the driver of the royal limousine that there was something wrong and he stepped on the gas and assassins number four five and six didn't have a chance to do anything so the king and queen went to the governor's mansion at the Town Hall rather and the Queen berated the governor because he didn't have control of the population and she arbitrarily decided that they're going to scrap the program and they were going to go right back to the Capitol because obviously it wasn't safe she took control of the situation so the only thing that they were going to do was stop by the military hospital to visit the wounded these were the people who had been in the car behind that got blown up and then they were going to go straight back but the governor was somewhat flustered at being kicked off so publicly and he forgot to tell the driver that the route had been changed so the driver proceeded along the original route and the governor said no no we're going to the military hospital so he stopped and was reversing and as he was reversing assassin number five who happened to be in a coffee house next door came out and he saw the king and queen in the car just a little bit ahead of him so he promptly took out his gun and took potshots at them and I don't know how familiar you are with handguns but if you've got a homemade handgun and you are it doesn't know more feet away from your target and you take hasty potshots also pretty good you'll miss he hit the king in the neck and the Queen in the stomach and both of them died within minutes now isn't that a wonderful tale of how you don't have control I lied that was not a novel that was history the king was Archduke Ferdinand the Queen was Queen Sophie v assassin was Gabrielle o Princip and that gave us the first world war so given the truth that you never have control you never had it how can you eliminate stress and cultivate resilience well I want to share some concepts with you concept number one is mental shadow which is the internal monologue that you have going on in your head all the time it begins when you get up in the morning is with you right through the day is with you now when you should be listening to my chatter instead of yours but in the short time I've been speaking how many if you've already gone someplace else what am I gonna have for lunch who do I have to call right I rest my case mental chat has always been with you it's like an unwelcome relative who's shown up in your house and you can't throw him out so you live your life as best you can despite your mental chatter you ignore him suppress him work around him big mistake and the reason is the mistake is because you don't live a real life you live an artificial life and this artificial life is constructed with your mental chatter now I want you to think about something any situation which is of concern to you right now let's say you got fired or you don't have a job and you're looking for a job your mental chatter makes it an order a magnitude or two orders of magnitude worse than it is you lost your job oh my god I don't have a job what are people going to say will I ever get a job I want to be financially independent I'll have to move in with my parents this is absolutely terrible I don't want to move in with my parents all of that is mental chatter and I invite you to think of it whatever situation you are in your mental chatter about that situation makes it an order of magnitude worse then we have mental models and a mental model is a notion you have that this is the way the world works but this is not the way the world works it's your model of this is the way the world works and the more you believe in your model of this is the way the world work the more evidence you seem to get that this in fact is the way the world works and very soon you built a silo around yourself that's so thick you can't break out of it your mental chatter the mental chatter that you entertain and the mental models that you hold dictate your life you're all living in a matrix if any of you've seen the movie the original matrix we're all living in a matrix the only difference is this was not constructed by an alien civilization out to get you you constructed it with your mental models in your mental chatter now I'm going to illustrate this with an exercise so I don't want you to just listen to me I want you to put yourself in a situation that I'm going to outline you're going towards an important appointment you have an important appointment and you're going there you're driving you are stuck in a traffic jam not a run-of-the-mill traffic jam but a massive traffic jam it's a really really hot day and your air conditioning has broken down got that put yourself in the situation going to an important appointment running late stuck in a traffic jam really hot day no air conditioning and all of a sudden somebody cuts in in front of you and almost causes an accident what are you feelings towards the driver of that car would it be fair to say that loving-kindness is not it you know road rage was invented in California but it travelled the world alright so now I'm going to share some information with you this guy who cut you off so rudely was given some very disquieting information his son had been involved in a serious accident has to be operated on immediately and is desperately trying to get to the hospital and has no knowledge of whether or not he'll ever see his son alive again so when I share that information with you can you physically palpably feel the rage frustration drain out of you to be replaced with compassion for a fellow human being yeah but the point is you don't really know whether the guy who cut you off was an inconsiderate jerk or a distraught father right so here's what you're going to do now that I've raised the possibility you're gonna hire a private investigator to look into the matter and report back to you you laugh at me I'm giving you a perfectly practical solution and if the private investigator reports back to you that the guy was an inconsiderate jerk you'll be really pissed off but in a private investigator reports back to you that the guy was a distraught father you will feel great compassion but until such time as you know for sure you're gonna remain neutral right I see a number of head shaking I don't believe any of you are gonna hire a private investigator to look into the matter but if you don't do something like that you'll never know whether or not the guy who cut you off was an inconsiderate jerk or a distraught father but the more important point is it really doesn't matter you have the choice of determining what is the emotional domain you occupy in all likelihood you did not even recognize that you had a choice and you exercised that choice but now that I'm pointing it out to you explicitly do you recognize that you had a choice and you chose to exercise that choice and you never even recognized that you actually exercise the choice the reason you exercise the choice you need is because of the mental chatter you entertain and the mental models you hold that's how important these constructs are I will go further every time you have a situation in your life that you find unpleasant and it persists not some other time not most of the time every time you have a situation near life you find it unpleasant and it persists you are using one or more mental models that are not serving you well and when you start making changes in those mental models you'll be astonished how quickly the situation will resolve itself meals spend a lot of time talking about this and I can only applaud that we spend too much of our emotional energy on the two three or four things that we think are wrong in our lives and we entirely ignore the 30 40 50 200 things which are pretty darn good in our lives everybody in this room is incredibly privileged and when I pointed out you do recognize that you don't have to bother about but they're gonna have lunch today don't have to bother about whether you have a roof over your head or a bed to sleep in so when I point that out you say yes yes and you do recognize you are incredibly privileged the problem is you don't feel that you are incredibly privileged you feel that you are put upon flip this around consciously and do this preferably you know just before you go to bed think about the many things in your life that are actually pretty darn good and I've got to tell you that if you're a type-a person who lives in your head and I'm sure this room is full of type-a people who live in their heads you have a tendency to think gratitude rather than feel gratitude so you can't go good health check bet to sleep in check roof over head check it doesn't work that way you have to feel it rather than think it so if you're a type-a person who lives in your head then it'll take some doing before you get to the point where you actually feel the gratitude rather than think the gratitude persist until that happens and when you get up in the morning don't go immediately to the space of oh my god there's too much to do and I don't have enough time to do it all go instead back to that space of appreciation gratitude and eventually you want to get to the point where your default emotional domain is appreciation and gratitude now let me give you a little bit advanced version of the same exercise we begin by being grateful for the many good things that we have in our life but do recognize that whatever you are grateful for can go away you're grateful for good health you get hit by a truck and you're a quadriplegic eventually I would like you to be in a place where you're not grateful for something you are just grateful period and that is when you find that your life truly has been transformed we all have a habit of viewing the world through a other lens you know a few hundred years Galileo got into trouble because they kind of postulated that perhaps the Sun doesn't move around the earth the earth moves around the Sun every single one of you is convinced that Galileo got it wrong the earth does not move around the Sun it revolves around you personally think about that I'm not really joking you're laughing at me I strongly resent that I'm trying to make a serious phone and you're glopping at me think about how no matter what happens you very quickly bring it down to what's the impact on me your spouse gets a great job offer and you say gee how is this going to affect our relationship your boss leaves the company you say gee who's the new person going to be and what's my relationship going to be with that person or possibly am I going to get promoted or is that or is it that Turkey down the hall think about it is it or is it not true that no matter what happens you quickly bring it down to what's the impact on me that's living in a me centered universe and here's what you need to know if that is where you spend most of your time if that is where you predominantly live you are going to live a life of mediocrity punctuated with flashes of pleasure but essentially meaningless it just comes with the territory that is the way it is the only way you're going to be able to bust out of that is if you can find a cause which is bigger than you are a cause which brings a greater good to a greater community and you have tremendous flexibility in defining both the greater good and the greater community but unless you can find something which is bigger than you are that brings a greater good to a greater community and in the pursuit of which you can subsume your identity you're going to live a mediocre existence we have an unfortunate habit of sticking labels on things any event that happens in our head we immediately decide this is good or this is bad it does a tremendous amount of damage to us let me tell you a story there was a man and his son and they lived in a beautiful valley and they were dirt poor and they were very happy though but they were dirt poor and the man got sick and tired of being dirt poor he decided he was going to become rich and the way he was gonna become rich was by breeding horses so he bought a stallion then the money to buy a stallion bored very heavily from the neighbors and the very night he got the stallion is kicked the top bar loose from the paddock very house street and ran away and the neighbors came around commiserating you thought you were going to become a rich man but your stallion is run away and you still owe us money you are screwed and he shrugged his shoulders and said good thing bad thing who knows that stallion fell in with a group of wild horses and they were close to where the man lived and he was able to lure them into the paddock which he had repaired so escape was no longer possible so now we had the stallion back plus a dozen wild horses which by the standards of that village made him a wealthy man and the neighbors came around saying we thought that you were destitute but fortune has smiled upon you how fortunate you are and the man shrugged his shoulders and said good thing bad thing who knows the man and his son sided to break the horses so they could sell them at the market one of the horses threw the man son and stomped on his leg it broke and healed crooked and the neighbors came around he was such a fine young lad and now he'll never be able to find a girl to marry him how terrible and the man shrugged his shoulder and said good thing bad thing who knows the King declared war on a neighboring country and press gangs moved through the villages rounding up all the able-bodied young men but they spared this man's son because he had a crooked leg and the neighbors had tears in their eyes as they came around and said oh we don't know if we'll ever see our sons alive again but you still have your son how fortunate you are and he shrugged his shoulder and said good thing bad thing who knows and it goes on like that forever and there's a lesson in that can you think of anything that happened in your life that at the time it happened you thought this is terrible but you can now look back upon it and say gee that was actually pretty good so if something happened to you in the past that at the time it happened you thought was terrible but you can now look back and say it is actually pretty good why are you in a hurry to label anything that happens now bad is there any possible way in which in X years it could turn out to be pretty good just pausing to consider that question we'll take you to a different emotional domain and if you then take the next step in say is there anything I can do to make that happen you move into a realm of possibility and courses of action will open up to you that you never would have considered before we from a very young age have been taught to set goals and parents teachers coaches all told us set a goal for yourself and then come up with a plan of action to achieve your goal all of the companies I work with have goals in fact most of the companies I work with no longer have goals they have stretch goals so we tend to live our lives in the following fashion I set a goal for myself I succeeded life's a blast I set a goal for myself I failed life sucks we live in a sinusoidal curve oscillating between elation and despair and we spend altogether too much part-time at the despair end of the spectrum it's a terrible way to live there is an alternative and alternative is the following forget about the goal goals are important but they are only important because they set direction once the direction has been set forget about the goals don't even think about them instead pour all of your emotional energy into what do I have to accomplish what do I have to do in order to achieve my goal and pour your emotional energy into that when you do that two things happen you actually start enjoying the journey the journey is the only thing we have the destination is a mirage you get there and then you're off someplace else people want to climb Mount Everest how much time do you spend on top of Mount Everest a few minutes to a half-hour at most you climb up there your buddy takes a picture of you your buddy gets up there you take a picture of him and then your only way down and I hope you don't get killed in an avalanche so if you're going to climb Mount Everest you better enjoy the weeks and months of acclimatization on Basecamp one Basecamp two and onwards the journey is the only thing you have and when you invest in the process not the outcome you enjoy the journey and paradoxically the more you are detached from the outcome the higher the probability that you will actually reach the goal you wanted and if you reach the goal wonderful if you do not reach the goal wonderful the mistake that all of us make that all of us buy into is that the benefit of this approach is then we will reach our goal the reason we try very hard is so that we can reach our goals and if we don't succeed you know we screwed up it's terrible Falls remember what I said earlier you do not have control over the outcome you never had control you never will have control the benefit of this approach is the advantage for you the benefit you get is the growth that happens when you try your best to achieve the goal that you set for yourself whether or not you reach it really doesn't matter you have already benefited from the growth that occurs in you as you go that is what we miss out it's not about achieving the goal it's about how you develop as a person and grow as you try your level best and you do that by investing in the process not the outcome Julius Caesar the conspirators killed Caesar because they thought they would be able to rule Rome but remember what I said about control they did not figure on two things happening they did not figure on Mark Antony giving his famous friends Romans countrymen speech I come to bury Caesar not to praise him for Brutus says he was ambitious and Brutus is an honorable man and that got the population all riled up against the conspirators and then Octavian Caesar rounded up a legion to come after them and far from ruling Rome they had to flee and Brutus regretted his role in the assassination because when Caesar said ed to brute had really struck home to him and Cassius comes up to beat Brutus before the Battle of Philippi and he asked him for help and Brutus declines because he wants no part of it anymore and then Brutus says to cashius and whether we shall meet again I know not therefore our everlasting fare will take forever and forever farewell Cassius if we should meet again why we shall smile if not why then this parting was well made think about that as a blueprint for your life all of you are here assembled in San Diego you have left spouses children relatives friends business colleagues behind is there any guarantee that you will see any of them again what happens if at the time of parting you have this thought in your mind that this could in fact be whether we shall meet again I know not what happens to all of the petty rages resentments that you hold they all drop away don't they it is extraordinarily difficult live with that intensity all the time but it is possible to live with it some of the time and when you do that you will find that this has a transformative effect upon your relationships and your life when you look upon your partner when you look upon your child and you sincerely wish them well and you recognize the possibility at every parting that you might not see them again there is a different dimension to the relationship try that as the blueprint for life Einstein said the most important decision you'll ever make is is the universe friendly most of us believe that the universe is indifferent to us it doesn't know we exist and couldn't care less some of the times it seems to be working for us some of the times it seems to be working against us some of the times it's actively working against us so if we are driving and we're late for an appointment it will arrange for a traffic jam and for our air conditioning to break down but what if that wasn't true what if the universe was actually benevolent what if it not only knew you existed but was well disposed towards you now friends don't shaft friends do they know so if it was the benevolent universe it actively gives you exactly what you need for your growth it may not be what you want but it is exactly what you need just as if you're a small child what you want is a tub of ice cream and what your parents give you are fruits and vegetables you don't want fruits and vegetables you want ice cream and it's only when you have a much greater maturity and understanding that you can say thank God I got fruits and vegetables and not ice cream one of the universe was like that it gives you stuff it's not what you wanted you want to get promoted you get a pink slip but maybe what if this was exactly what you needed at this stage regardless of whether or not the universe is benevolent if you believe the universe was benevolent your life would improve dramatically now just because you recognize that a model is intellectually superior doesn't necessarily mean that you can adopt it but you can work towards it and one of the quickest ways to find out if the universe is benevolent or not is look for evidence that it is and the more you look the more you will find and eventually you will come to the point where you will tip over and you will believe the universe is benevolent and when you do that you'll be living in a completely different emotional domain this is a wonderful tale there are many versions of that I like the one I'm about to share with you comes from the Native American tradition so there was a young man who was growing up to take his place among the atoms of the tribe and the final rite of passage was a conversation that the medicine man and the medicine man told him here is this dog loving trustworthy kind intelligent and here is this wolf melville and vicious cruel ready to strike at anything and the dog and the wolf for fighting and the dog and the wolf are both inside you and the brave us which one will win and the medicine man says whichever one you feed now think about that this has a powerful lesson for us inside each one of us is an altruistic let me help my fellow man and do what I can to make the world a better place and inside each one of us are let me grab everything I can for myself and the devil take the hindmost impulses and the two are always at war with each other it is your job to selectively identify and feed the dog in you don't make the mistake of thinking you're only going to feed the dog that ain't gonna happen the best you can hope for is that you will feed the dog a little bit more than you feed the wolf but when you do that and the dog becomes stronger it's also your job to selectively identify and feed the dog and everybody you run into and when the dog in you becomes friends with the dog and the other person magic happens in your life and in the world we are all of us going on a journey there is this one journey which is a very long one which is we were born and we're going to die and we were born alone and we will die alone and that's a massive journey and every single one of us is at some stage on that journey you watch Desperate Housewives and you go on a journey where forty-something matrons are having affairs with 19-something gardeners while their husbands are fooling around with fashion models ask yourself is this a journey that I want to take is this a place where I want to spend time do that many times in your life is this a journey that I want to take is this a place where I want to spend time and if you sincerely ask yourself that question you'll find change happens in your life the books you read the movies you watch the topics of conversation you bring up your reaction to things your friend says the friends that you hang around with and the things that you do in your leisure time all of those will change organically all you have to ask yourself is sincerely and mindfully is this a journey I want to take is this a place where I want to spend time and with that I'm done with my part of it but I have spent as left some time for questions thank you I think it's a very practical application that can be shared and since you are in high esteem academia do you have any thoughts on bringing this to the teenagers I know you're in college but I think that this would help them and their parents to let go of the control the short answer is yes this is very applicable and in fact the younger the person is the more they actually grasp this it's funny you ask that because I just came back from speaking at a Vistage group in Columbus and in the audience were a the head of a school and a member of the board and the reason they came is they really wanted to bring this into their curriculum and the short answer is yes it can be done has to be done in a little more subtle fashion but I think one of the things that will benefit us very very very greatly is if we could and have our children understand that they are not their thoughts that thoughts come and they go and you can observe them and not be thoughts and can you imagine what our society would be like if someone was a homicidal rage and instead of reaching for an ar-15 he could pause for a moment and say gee my mental chatter is running amuck yes I'd love to see that happen I want to see that and I want to be a part of that thank you hi thank you so much for your presentation when you are talking about gratitude and you are talking about thinking about gratitude or feeling the gratitude can you expand a little more on when you know that you move from thinking and gratitude to feel gratitude because I mean that journey and I think that I'm not there yet I know it really is a problem with type a individuals and there are no more type a individuals than you find it top business schools let me tell you here's what you have what's your name okay Joanna here's what you do imagine some time when you genuinely really did feel grateful you know either a relative a friend or someone did something for you just so unexpected you felt gee this is fantastic recreate that in your mind like a short mental movie when you do that you will once again experience a remnant of the real gratitude that you felt when you think gratitude yeah yeah yeah you know I I know I've got a bit of food to eat I've got a roof over my head I've got a bed to sleep in there's no feeling and it is just a just a thought and you will know that because immediately afterwards you drift off somewhere to all of the terrible things that are happening in your life don't go down down that road when you persist on initially it'll be just a thought you think about you have I have a bed over my head but what happens they start using your body start using all your senses I have a bed how does it feel feel your bed in your yourself lying on the bed feel the texture of the sheet the more you focus on that the more you bring all of your senses into play the more you will move from thinking into feeling it takes some time so you have to work diligently at it but if you are looking out for am I simply thinking this or am I feeling it gradually you'll find the feeling will evolve but it may take some time so don't beat yourself up in the beat yourself are for it not having happening immediately okay yep over there hi thank you very much for being here and your wisdom I have an issue with the goals thing I'm not a very goal-oriented person in fact when somebody says goals I get afraid and freaked out and you know and distracted by all of that and and so I just wanted to know how do you really it's because otherwise it sounds like we're all just gonna be noodles you know it's going to be noodles you know we're having a good you know we're all life's beautiful blonde we don't have any desires and you know it's just but I mean we're so distributing you know we're just so striven with driven and I just don't I feel so distracted by goals and yet I don't have any my goal was to come here that was good you know you know I have goals to sing I have goals to do this and goals do do that but when it comes to really actually making those things happen something happens along the way and they don't really actually happen I mean really do they happen so how do we really actually make a goal not be so invested in it but yet accomplish the goals that we see ourselves being in our lives or having you vos tape you know several questions and one actually and they are they are quite profound so let me give you a quick answer to that and that is the following examine your mental chatter you'll find that there are certain things that say gee wouldn't it be nice if this happened pick any of those that is persistent and Ricker's and say wouldn't it be nice if it happens and make that a goal now once again you said how can we be sure we achieve the goal you can't be sure you'll achieve the goal and to be honest it really doesn't matter whether you achieve it or not what matters is that you try your level best and you really try your level best because the benefit of this process is not whether you reach the goal or not but the change and the growth that happen in you as you make that attempt and recognizing this is what will prevent you from saying hey why have a goal at all I'm simply going to sit down and drink a lot of beer and watch television because you'll find eventually that falls on you so you are a driven recognize the drive harness it and understand that the benefit is not is that going in the direction that your drive is taking you doing the very best you can but give attachment to the outcome okay we are done so thank you very much [Applause]

20 comments

  1. What is something you do to relieve stress? Share your thoughts, we'd love to hear them 😃
    Discover the formula for unshakable mental toughness and outrageous success with Srikumar's FREE masterclass here
    👉https://go.mindvalley.com/-z5XeraM

  2. Would you say without stress most people would settle for what comes for them? Since stress feels like a warning sign that things could be different

  3. Wrong example cited of the circumstances that resulted in world war one.

    After attending the official reception at the City Hall, Franz Ferdinand asked about the members of his party that had been wounded by the bomb. When the archduke was told they were badly injured in hospital, he insisted on being taken to see them. A member of the archduke's staff, Andreas, Freiherr von Morsey, suggested this might be dangerous, but Oskar Potiorek, who was responsible for the safety of the Imperial party, replied, "Do you think Sarajevo is full of assassins?" However, Potiorek did accept it would be better if Sophie remained behind in the city hall. When Freiherr Morsey told Sophie about the revised plans, she refused to stay, arguing: "As long as the Archduke shows himself in public today I will not leave him."

  4. That story of good thing bad is actually (maybe) took the story from someone else when I find the clip I'll update
    Allen Watts

  5. I like the information and it’s delivery except one part. I challenge him to research the Native American tale about the dog and wolf. It’s actually about two wolves. It’s an old Cherokee story.

  6. No ambition
    No goal
    Just wishful thoughts and a strong urge to do atleast a few feasible things towards realising the wishful thought

    Water were freely available everywhere and all drank it straight from there…no filtering no botheration of the color or quality.. just were drinkable water and that it were all freely available free.
    Now a wish that atleast those good days to come back, instead of ration water in small bottles, tasting blunt, that need to be paid and still get throat aches and fever and flu

    Working towards this wishful thought:
    First to ensure open soil surfaces around us
    Next to drain all used water into the soil, so that sooner or later, the soil become fertile and holds water inspite of evaporation due to sun
    Next to keep soil fertile and devoid of chemicals that kill the nano organisms, we all STOP mixing the draining water with soap, shampoo, cleaning liquids, that has ingredients that kill nano organisms

    Water by nature has the capacity to purify. All religions just sprinkle water to purify. Will it not purify one who showers with water. No need of soap and other such chemicals

    Soon all over the Earth we will get back streams and ponds and lakes that are devoid of chemicals that kill.

    That will bring back more plants , trees which will then get us all good fresh breeze and air with more oxygen and so that inhaling of air with fresh oxygen will keep us all more healthy and that means lesser bad bacteria

    When we have plants and trees and shrubs and vegetables and fruits water and fresh air all around us in every suburb, county, ..we need lesser money and lesser hours of work and so less stress and so less sickness and so more leisure hours and so less need of holidays and so less travel and so lesser need of fuel and so lesser demand of fuel and so costs of fuel become less and so on… Getting us back a better balance in eco system that helps nano organisms, microbes, insects, reptiles, animals, birds,…all living together in greater peace and harmony

    Earth become a better place to live for one and all
    and that means soap and such chemicals are never again needed

  7. How does this seat with many other mindvalley talks and ideas that say we are co-creators of our worlds. What about law of attraction and the idea that we have a hand in how we progress through life and what we draw to ourselves?

  8. to over come stress many things help diet selftalk plan knowlege of fuuture a ticket to heaven a good saving plan best freinds etc..saint john ward herbal teaa captures tablets..much good info in utube..stop sugar procedded toxic ascidic food eat largee variety of raw food etc..no man made foods..cut needless stress..freinds music tv etc stresfull pr people…sleep well..make a plan with God..avoid anger judment violent controlling peole..all negative peole..with practice repertion we get more knowleable skilled and then can handle more stress..stress only about each hr u are in not 8 hrs or tomorrow..things often not go how we think..xxoo…toxins in food increase stress..say away from acidic fooods..try to remain neutral..forgive..ask for a ticket for heaven …from boss upstrairs..so not miss out on rapture i expect it 29-30 sep 2019..see my comments here..dont share info with toxic people..pull away from dragon peole..like for nice happy people..

  9. good talk….is good to remain neutral…i expert rappppttuurrreee 29-30 sep…2019..after this date if happens 98% posible…will be 7 yrs worse caos ever,,60% of world will dddie…to escape aske biggerst boss upstrairs for a ticked to ecape deaatthh…much good info..innteresting comments..nice video..i expect..rraappttuurree..R..september 2019..on a new moon 2Day festerval called feast of trumperts..am a expert in this area..reseach, it on u tube..worlds best school…if happens then we have a 7 year period..worst caos on earth ever..60% ddiiee..get ticket out of here..aske the Boss upstairs for a ticket, use yr voice do a secret arrangement, for a ticket so escape slow ddeeaatthh..the caos last 7 yrs..in 7 yrs u come back ..and then Ggoodd makes earth a paradise for 1000 yrs..only takes few minutes… do it now before u get distracted..and miss out we have only @ 7 months..God bless all u do..good to get ready for a collapse can happend fast any time..good to get skills knowlege in survival..utube is worlds best school to learn all things..good have hold in hand silver gold..also investment in bitcoin, bitcoin cash and Monroe..even it it goes down will eventually go up much..same with the metals..good to have cash too..dont have much in the bank or in shares..superanuation..with silver gold.. u can do 6 tests, to see it is real many scamms around..tests are weight size apperance sound acid test 2 magnetic tests..the ramp gravity speed test i like..and sound ring test..and other test too..get the ticket now takes 2 mins ..like the criminalon the cross with JC..Jeessuuss..johninfoxxoo..for health healing slimming pain ..see dr steven gundry..he is on uttube..

  10. Amazing video….lots of nice concepts shared n it would take practice to follow them…worth watching…

  11. My summary… (sorry, I had problems compiling it down, information gathering ENFP issues) – If anyone feels like compiling it, please do.

    8 Major factors why people believe they are going through stress:
    Financial, Relationship, Children, Business and career, Health, Big external stuff (politics, climate, crime etc), 'too much to do' (and not enough time) and lastly 'I am not where I want to be'.
    The only single reason you feel stress is because:
    *"you have a very rigid idea of how the universe (your life) should be and the universe is not playing ball." *
    (note, meaning: *you have expectations that you think you can try to control.*) "Your life is an endless quest to have control"
    News flash: *You do not have control, you never had, and never will have control. *
    The illusion of control comes about because you create goals, and you succeed many times to get the outcome you wanted. But it's not control, it's attempts coming through in your favor. Be grateful for that, not expecting.
    The illusion of control is a wonderful creation because it gives you motivation and aspirations for the meanings and accomplishments in your life.
    Watch 12:00 for example.
    Solution to cultivate resilience to stress?
    Mental chatter creates your life (your artificial life is constructed with this) your mental chatter makes everything an order of magnitude worse than what the situation actually is.
    – *Your mental models are often incorrect*: your thoughts: "this is the way the world works" *but it's not*, it's your simplified understanding of the world, which is close to always an incomplete, the more you believe in your own obscured model, the more you find 'evidence' for that which you've constructed with your mind, more than it actually is true.
    We are living in a matrix that we created in our own head. (in contrary to aliens creating it for uss 'in the movie')
    watch 18:55
    *You have the choice of determining what is the emotional domain you occupy*, in all likelihood you did not even recognize you had a choice and you exercise that choice. The reason you exercise the choice you did is because of your mental chatter and mental models
    Be aware: you are using one or more mental models that are working against the improvement of your life.
    Practice appreciation and gratitude.
    *You don't feel that you are incredibly privileged, you feel that you are put upon. ("life is happening to you"), You need to feel the gratitude and appreciationn not just think it.
    Recognize: whatever you are grateful for, can go away. So don't just be grateful for something, be grateful period. *
    *Be other-centered, don't live in a 'me centered-universe'*, If you live it in 'me-centered' you're going to live a life in mediocrity, punctuated with flashes of pleasure but essentially meaningless.
    Bust out: find a cause that are bigger than you are, and you have tremendous flexibility to define what the greater good and the greater community is. (if you can't manage this you're going to live a mediocre existence)
    *Don't stick labels on things*: Like 'Good thing' or 'Bad thing' (note related: black and white thinking), this damages us big time.
    watch ex. story: 27:40

    Pause to consider: is there any possible way in which your situation can turn out to be good if you look at it differently? (this will take you to a different emotional domain)
    moving into the realm of possibility: is there anything I can do to make that happened? (courses of action you would never have considered)
    If you fail the goals you set you should not let this make you upset, they're only important because they set the direction, once the direction has been set forget about the goals. Letbacks will happend, you need to accept that no matter how bad the outcome.
    *Start enjoying the journey, the journey is the only thing we have, the destination is a mirage*. 32:05 mount everest?
    When you invest in the process, not the outcome, you enjoy the journey.
    Paradoxically: *The more you are detached from the outcome, the higher the probability that you will actually reach the goal you wanted. If you reach the goal? wonderful. If you do not reach the goal? Wonderful. *
    Why? – You have already benefited from the growth that happens to you whether or not you achieve the goal. (and note: when you do find yourself getting stressed, maybe consider how you can grow in that situation instead?)
    34:28 Julis Ceasar
    "Wether we shall meet again, I know not" When you *live in the intencity of recognizing the possibility at every parting that you might not see your partner/child/friend/family ever again. There is a different dimension to the relationship. It will have a transformative effect of your relationships and life* try that as a blueprint for life.
    37:15 Einstein, 'Is the universe friendly?'
    What if what your need is different from what you want? and consider that you might get what you need even though you do not want it.
    Look for evidence that the universe is benevolent, and not indifferent or working against you.
    39:35 a wonderful tale
    (my takeaway: a metaphor for: feed positive thoughts and don't accept the automatic negative thoughts aka mental chatter in your life as your reality.
    *"If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them"*. – Jim Kwik. – Your mental chatter will try to feed the wolf, it's your job to stop it and consciously feed the dog, and with time, your mental chatter just might begin feeding the dog more too. (*tools: affirmations? visualization? like 6 phase meditation, abundance mindset, mindfulness, CBT, 'wouldn't it be nice if' etc.*)
    Questions:
    How can I feel gratitude more than thinking about it? answer at 45:10

    Be also aware lastly (by my own note) that stress gives the same bodily reaction as courage. Rephrase it, Be courageous, not stressed.

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