My Journey with OCD, Anxiety, Depression, and Panic



Matthew what are you doing what are you doing oh my god you're such a cutie stop it stop being so cute hey guys how's it going so today's videos gonna be quite a bit different from what I posted in the past and I think it's such an important topic and I've wanted to post this video for a long time now but I never got around to it because it's such a personal and intimate topic I think I've alluded to it in the past on Twitter Instagram but I've never really dug deep and discussed it with you guys and I think that mental health is such an important topic that needs to be discussed so today I'm going to kind of run you through my mental health journey throughout my life what I've struggled with what I'm constantly currently struggling with so my hope with this video is to share my journey and hopefully it will resonate with somebody and make them feel not so alone in the world with issues that they're going through if they're not getting support hopefully they can find some support somewhere and I'm gonna provide some links to various things in the description so as I said before I have dealt with OCD depression anxiety panic attacks pretty much for as long as I can remember back when I was in fourth grade I was officially diagnosed with OCD and they found out that I had it based on my handwriting so my symptoms mostly include counting rituals and things of like a repetitive behavior that are backed up by irrational thoughts so what I would do is I would write over words multiple times I would erase them I would rewrite them multiple times and at the time I think like I had like number that was like nine or multiples of nine so I would have to do something nine times or 81 times now it's developed into a multiple of four so four 1664 so I will pretty much count everything that I do and just to give you an idea of to what extent I do this it it sounds crazy and it is but it's all based on irrational thoughts which then cause intense anxiety if I don't do the action so kind of one of the more extreme cases are I will count my breathing and also my heartbeat when I can feel my heartbeat I will actually count that four times four sixteen until it like feels right it doesn't make much sense and I know that but it's like what I have to do to relieve the anxiety surrounding it so I have been dealing with that another thing is like with folding clothes I'll have to do that multiple times turning on and off light switches I'll have to do that excessively that's kind of mean Li where my OCD is so OCD was probably my main kind of mental health issue throughout grade school middle school high school socome college I was dealing with everything revolving around college and adjusting to a new place and then also at the time I was kind of exploring my sexuality and that became a much more difficult part of my life it's where my depression set in I started isolating myself in my dorm room I ended up not making many friends because of that I didn't socialize very much at all I still don't it's kind of one of the avoidance behaviors that I have been working on social anxiety is so something that has been an issue all throughout college assume all of that and senior year I actually ended up getting into quite a bad depression and I ended up commuting my last semester of college because I just didn't want to be on campus anymore I couldn't deal with it and I was so depressed like I wanted to move home I wanted to commute to school I just wanted school to be over and I was working my my job at the restaurant as well so when I finally came out in 2012 I was quite a late bloomer if you will and accepting myself I think I denied it for a long time I didn't want to believe that I was gay and I think it was a huge cause of depression and anxiety at the time I didn't really have many friends in person at that time I had a lot of friends online that I would like go to VidCon to see and that was super fun and exciting but I didn't really have anyone in the lgbtq+ group that I could actually discuss it with or someone I was comfortable with discussing it with and that actually brings me up to the sponsor of this video which is pride counseling it is such a great service to an online service that provides licensed and credentialed therapists who are certified by their state's board to provide counseling and it's amazing because they are all therapists who deal with the lgbtq+ community and are accepting of anyone all gender identities or sexual preference identities a lot of people don't have access to one therapists but then also therapists who are supportive of the lgbtq+ community and so this gives anyone worldwide access to a therapist now it's also great is that there are actually multiple communication modes so you could contact your therapist via your computer your phone your tablet and they are there anytime you need them anywhere you need them and they will get back to you very quickly so I have actually been using the service for a couple weeks now and I have been talking to my therapist through video chat mostly a little bit text chat as well but mostly video chat and I just love it because it's so convenient I literally don't have to leave my apartment I don't know I don't have to get all gussied up I mean I can if I want to it's just so much more convenient than having to like leave the apartment go somewhere and they're pretty much there whenever I need them and just one thing to note though pride counseling is not a crisis line so if you are in need of immediate support I'm gonna provide a link in the description below which you can use to contact the appropriate resources so if you guys sign up for Pride counseling please use my link in the description Pride counseling comm slash malo 610 and let them know I sent you I'd appreciate it so after college I ended up getting in a relationship it was my first relationship it was my first gay relationship and um I learned a lot about two years into it I ended up moving away away from my town that I was used to I ended up quitting my job of eight years and I pretty much just left everything that I knew for this person in a new location that I didn't know anybody and it was extremely difficult the intention was that I was gonna get a job very soon after and this is something that I have never really discussed it makes me very uncomfortable I guess I'm ashamed or I'm embarrassed of it but soon after we ended up moving I got into a pretty bad depression and that depression escalated quite quickly to the point that I basically had no motivation my self-confidence was literally shot I had nothing of that sort left and I was having panic attacks pretty much about four to five times a week it was a day-to-day struggle it still continues to be but at that point it was just like a daily struggle to get through the day and because of that the depression just got worse and worse and I didn't have anyone to support me emotionally and it was just a really bad time for me I actually ended up being unemployed for three years that's something that I never really discussed with anyone people would always ask me like during live shows back then like Oh Dan do you have a job what's your job what are you doing for a job and I always just avoided the topic because I was not proud of where I was in my life at the time and it all had to do with my mental health and where I was I had a job for eight years the same job for eight years and I was doing really well at it and to go from that to not having a job sitting in the apartment not doing much during the day struggling to get through a day was a huge change and it was it was a very very difficult time for me so when I felt the relationship started to diminish if you will I started pulling it together a little bit um I knew that it was probably going to end I didn't want it to I was in denial for a long time about it but now reflecting back on it it was actually a very toxic environment for me that I am better off no longer part of so three years went by I didn't have a job I finally started applying for some jobs just to get back into the workforce get out doing something getting into a routine figuring that out and I was still dealing with these panic attacks and just constant constant intense anxiety hardly being able to go out to the store without having a panic attack so it was very difficult at the time not having a job I also didn't have health insurance I actually ended up getting the lake state health insurance but it's not the best and the services that I was able to get with it were not the best either so I started getting back on my feet and I actually ended up getting a job at a retail location and I got back into the work force it was literally at the same time that the relationship ended so my life was going from 0 to 250 like literally going from like staying in the apartment to getting kicked out of the apartment having to live on my own having to start this new job so basically I started living by myself in New York City with my dog of course Madison Maddy and I thought those three years previous were the most difficult my life but it was the two years coming up that have been the most difficult I basically had to restructure my life reinvent my life from the ground up and that caused immense anxiety immense panic attacks and when I get intense anxiety my OCD symptoms increase so that's a little bit about my journey up until kind of like the worst point I guess you could say um but my mom has been literally the rock throughout my life she has been supportive of me no matter what and I honestly cannot thank her enough even through all the stuff that she has dealt with she's is still there for me no matter what and I I don't know how she does it honestly I don't know how she holds it together and holds it together for me and she is literally the support that but I wish everybody could have but I know everyone does he have um and so she has been a huge factor in me getting through these past two years year and a half two years I've been able to be successful at my new job I've been going to that I went from part-time to full-time and now I'm actually working on a different team within the company as well so I have slowly been making progress but it's it's a struggle it's a constant struggle that I deal with on a daily basis and it's never not going to be a struggle and I think that's something that I have had a lot of difficulty dealing with and accepting that the cards that I have been dealt it is always going to be a struggle for me like no matter what and I just need to keep on pushing through it and I will come out on top and that is what I've been doing the past two years of my life I have been taking one step at a time I accepted that this is my journey this is where I am in my life and I need to just continue forward because that's the only place that I can go now is forward um and that is what has been getting me through the days honestly I am in such a better place than I was previous years in such a better mental state even though some days I don't feel it I have so much better self-confidence now if I think back to those three years that I didn't have a job it was crazy it was crazy how little self-confidence I had myself compared to now just having a job just having a routine just being able to do things has kind of reignited those feelings inside myself that like I can actually do things um and I don't have to be worried about everything I don't have to be worried about having a panic attack every day and that that has been my journey it's an ongoing journey is gonna continue to be an ongoing journey I will continue to get support from psychiatrists psychologists therapists and I hope to be open in the future with you guys as well if you feel like sharing your own story in the comments below please do but please also be aware that is a public forum and there is a lot of interesting folk on the internet who are not so nice so just be aware of that but I would love to hear your stories if you are willing to share them as well and I am sure someone else would be interested in hearing a similar story to theirs if they connect with you well thank you guys for watching I will be posting more videos in the coming future and I hope to see you guys at New York City or New York City pride which is world Pride this year write in the comments below if you're coming because I hope to see you there I will be there and maybe I'll do a meet-up have a good one you guys and don't forget to check out Pride counseling comm slash model 610 link will be in the description and that's it goodbye

34 comments

  1. THANK YOU so much for sharing your story and opening up to the world. I know from personal experience it is so incredibly difficult to share. But brave people like you make it so much easier to openly talk about mental health, know we are not alone, and help others understand. Again, thank you. Stay awesome and keep pushing 🙂

  2. I value and appreciate your openness and honesty. Speaking your truth can be so freeing! I also think speaking openly about mental health issues is good. I think it will help to end the stigma of mental illness and people will get the help they need. I also have mental health issues. Anxiety (mainly social) and depression. I am medicated for it and I find it helps for me.

  3. Dan…I've been in your online YT community from both before and after Bri. It has always been YOU whose voice and story have kept me here and rooting for you. The explicit details here…esp. the three years without a job and very housebound…I think I kind of knew that was your life then, but thanks for trusting us with bringing it into the light so clearly here. You are such a beautiful soul. I hope the trajectory of these last two years continues its upward climb. And your followers here including me will always try to be there as far as its possible in this cyberworld. Peace.

  4. I have dealt with a lot of the same issues that you have, though on a milder level, and as difficult as those have been for me, I can imagine how much more difficult these things are when they affect you more deeply. Fortunately I have been in therapy for a number of years, and that has gone a long way to helping me deal with these issues. I’ve been watching you for a few years, and I’ve been aware of aspects of this journey you’ve been on, and it is good to see you getting your life back together again in many ways.

  5. Thanks Dan, for sharing this. Depression, anxiety, and OCD are no joke. Glad to hear you are on a new path and that you are excited about the future. I admire your strength and resilience, and I hope you continue to share your experience. I know your message is going to help someone!

  6. You don't know how much it means to hear someone going through similar stuff and as you said making little steps day by day. The inspiration I needed tonight wish you nothing but the best

  7. Your voice is shaky all along because it takes balls to do what you do, but YOU DID IT DAN! You should be proud of yourself buddy!

  8. This is a big step. Don’t fake it. Having a roommate would probably help. Posting underwear pics for a few likes can’t possibly help you in the long term. People that haven’t suffered from depression will never understand how trapped the feeling is. I’ve been following you for nearly 10 years, and I can tell you haven’t been happy. You truly seem happy when your around your mom. I really hope to see you grow in the right direction.

  9. Dan, it took you a lot of courage & strength to film and post this video. Thank you, Love you, Mike

  10. I face a lot of the same issues as you do and they are hard for people to understand. Thanks for telling your story. I have reached out to you before and send you messages but never heard back from you but if you would like to talk about anything just send me a message. I'd be glad to lend an ear.

  11. OCD is horrible. I deal with it daily but not so much with compulsions, usually just intrusive thoughts that I don’t like. It gets intense at times to the point of where I hold my head and close my eyes but they don’t go away. Due to the nature of these thoughts (they’re not suicidal but…they’re bad), I am not currently seeking therapy. I don’t have any other mental disorders besides OCD, thankfully!

  12. Awesome video – thanks for sharing -stay strong – we love ya! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

  13. thanks dan for sharing. you where one of the first ppl i started to watch on yt. seen your ups and downs over the years. im glad you have mom that supports so well. your never alone. i understand where you come from with anxiety, panic attacks and i am also little ocd. but meds help. I hope to make it to nyc next month. it's something i want to see for it being the 50th anniversary. won't know for sure till almost time. the hospital i work at the cleveland clinic in ohio also has that kind of care as well. but i def like how pride counseling offers more of details of doctors that you can pick and are lgbt friendly. if i move from ohio like i want to, i def will keep them in mide. again i appreciate you sharing your story, trials and tribulations.

  14. Dan,please seriously research and consider the effects on your gut and brain of toxins (such as Glyphosate + many others) in the food you eat and the effects of toxins (such as Aluminium + many others) in the pharmaceuticals and vaccines that you take.

  15. My magic number is 3. Checking my alarm, the stove, and doors I have to check three times before I can move on.

    I also have issues with compulsive thoughts. Basically thinks something very bad will happen if I don’t do the counting. Or if I am late somewhere I think something bad will happen to someone I love.

  16. I'm so happy for you that things are looking up and you are feeling better. You deserve only the best. I'm sorry your time with Brian was so toxic. I've been in a similar situation and it's easy to feel powerless. It takes a lot of inner strength to get through something like that and you've proven how amazingly strong you are. Continued prosperity!

  17. Love you Dan. I myself have PTSD, depression, anxiety and have been passively suicidal. Ive been dealing with it since 2012. In 2012 I had the worst year of my life starting with an eye injury at New Years, followed by the death of my dog, appendectomy, and then a complication from that surgery shortly after. A short time after that I started getting very depressed. In December that year I turned 25 and a week after my birthday I could no longer function and was hospitalized in a behavioral health unit at the hospital. I then started to make some changes to my life starting by coming out on New Years Eve. Since then ive been hospitalized 2 other times for my anxiety and depression. Since then its been an on/off struggle. Im now at the worst that Ive been since it all started and havent been able to work for about a year because of how bad it is. PTSD was added to my diagnosis this year after discussion with my doctor/therapist after discussing in detail to them about that bad year plus another traumatic experience in which I was sexually abused by my girlfriend in high school (I was still closeted at that time). Every day is a struggle, some days more than others but I have gotten help and support. I always remind myself to never give up even when im at my lowest.

  18. Hearing the part of your story when you moved worries me. I'm getting ready to move very far away to be with my boyfriend of 4 years soon, from Virginia to the UK. Not London mind you. The plan is to go there as a student and eventualy stay

  19. Have you found that doctor prescribe medication helps to lessen the symptoms of OCD and panic attacks? Congratulations on your progress! 🙂 Jack

  20. I have been watching your videos since you were in college. Thanks for sharing your story, it took balls to tell it and it makes sense of a lot of things in the past. I'm really glad you're in a better place now and hope that continues for you. I am 50 years old and have suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. Luckily I am in a much better place than I was years ago. I have learned a lot and with age comes wisdom and maturity. Take care.

  21. Thanks for sharing your story, Dan! Great to see you doing so much better than before, and on a great trajectory forward to being and doing even better! At the time of a personal life crisis life can seem so confusing, unfair, out of control. Months later, as the dust settles and you push forward day by day, deeper realizations dawn and you begin to see the valuable and beneficial changes that arise from that life crisis. It can take time.. and you are persevering forward too, to craft out a positive future which you can share with others. That is awesome!

    Lastly, have you tried to get into a daily meditation practice? … could be like 10-minutes first thing in the morning, and 10-minutes before bedtime? This can be super helpful for calming anxiety. Do you have a bedtime routine (e.g. candles/scents, diffusing aromas, light background music, warm oil massage, daily 3 things you're grateful for, positive affirmations, etc?)… those too can calm the mind-body and give a signal to your brain to disconnect and turn within and sleep. Yoga, at least 2-3 times a week greatly helps people. Plus, enrolling in a weekly yoga class can also give the opportunity to connect with others in the class and grow your community of practice and network!
    Good to know you are getting better!

  22. Brilliant video mate. So happy to see people talking about mental health. More people who share their stories means more people finding help and getting the happiness they deserve! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-veOa82EYME&t=1s

  23. Thank you, Dan. I deal with depression, abandonment issues, low self esteem, and other issues. It's a struggle most days.

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