RAW INTERVIEW: Mother shares her story about her son's battle with addiction



giancarlo was always like the sweetest kid the easiest kid he's never misbehaved when he was Lily was always just so agreeable and fun to be around he cared for people so much and people animals even spiders he wouldn't even kill a spider he was just a lovely child like a lovely being and he not carried all the way through he was in nature Louisville lover he was very like into the environment and into like he was gluten-free he went on and off of being vegan he which is always just a surprise to me because or not a surprise it was a surprise to me that he did drugs because he wouldn't even wear deodorant that had aluminum in it he was just a he was a nature loving little hippie he would drive around incense in his car and surf and he loved to go into the beach when he was stressed out he knew he needed to be outside and go on a hike he sees a California go yeah he was just yeah definitely he was a sweetheart he was everybody knew him and just loved him all my friends kids loved him he loved them like he was outside all the time playing with his brother he was a really really good big brother what were some of his goals I know you mentioned earlier he had you know kind of a plan he his he wasn't sure on what he wanted to do which what 18 year old 19 he just had turned 19 six weeks before he passed but he didn't have a plan exactly of knowing what he wanted to do but he as his biggest goal was to hike the PCT like you wanted to hike it all the way through so he had a great job for the county of Marin he was installing police lights and sirens and fire trucks and he it was good money and he was gonna save his money so that he could pile it away and go on this hike which is a big hike so you have to actually plan for it to actually do so that was his short you know I guess within a year I think he wanted to do it or a year or two and he loved his girlfriend he lived in Petaluma in their first apartment that they had moved in just a few months before he passed and they were really happy and it was really special for me to see them in love and I just loved like buying them stuff for their house and helping them set it up and teach his girlfriend how to cook his favorite meals she was really into that and he loved it and they would come over often all the time when we became really close with his girlfriend too and it was just getting better and better when did you first notice that he had some sort of drug issue or I know we talked about this earlier but what kind of led up to all that I know he was smoking pot like often and then there's a way that kids are smoking pot it's a little bit different than when we were young they do dabs and which I still can't it's like pure THC basically so it's really strong and I think that once he began using that often and and that was I think it kind of affected his decision-making I've learned a little bit about that from his rehab and about pot in the teenage brain and I think that that probably had something to do with it and he kept chasing his high I mean that's a you know that's really strong stuff and itself so I think after that he was just experimenting and then he started experimenting with pills which are it's every teenager I talked to and seen it at their schools and it's around and that's a newer thing I didn't think there was a lot of pills around when I was in high school and I think that he started to do pills and he liked the high and he just one thing led to another and before you knew it he was just trying not to be sick at a certain point and he he was never late for his curfew his curfew was like 10:30 to 11:30 depending on the night of the week he was never in any trouble he'd never I mean he was whew played with us he would sit I mean you even got a little bit concerned when I noticed he was isolating himself because like on Fridays and Saturdays nights you know he'd be at home with us watching a movie or something like that not out at parties or stuff like that so that that was my biggest I think that was something that in the back of my mind that was like why isn't he like out running around his friends most handers are out right now but he was just always at home and he never used heroin with other people he did it alone it's a little lonesome drug and he did it by himself that's I think often times why it's so dangerous also because if you end up overdosing there's no one there and know that you were on it as a parent what were you thinking what what was going through your head I mean what did you want to do when I first found out he was on heroin yeah we're even leading up to that well I had called this I talked to a lot of people about it and no one seemed to be as concerned as I was about like the constant smoking pot you know which I think he was doing so I I didn't really know what to do there's no like book on how to parent so you know some people are telling me it's not that big of a deal at least it's just pot I heard that a lot and I just didn't think he was living up to his full potential or you know I thought it would get him in a rut and I think pot is addictive so that worried me I didn't want him to get like you know no ambition and kind of just I just wanted it more for him I wanted him to be healthy and happy and I think so I had called this Ari Heigl teens addicted to pot or you know all these things and then I called the rehab that he ended up going to about four days before and I just said hey I think my son might have a problem with smoking pot I know that you like there was a lot of Jennifer garlic who actually was killed in Yountville during those shootings last year she was a director of his rehab at the time and so I had googled teenagers and pot and she gave some amazing talks that were recorded on YouTube about the like pot and kids smoking at what it can do to them so I began watching her videos and they were really enlightening for me so I called this place and they we kind of chit chatted but it was really expensive and you know I just kind of worse was researching because I was concerned and then I think it was like four days later I found out that it wasn't pot it was heroin and I called him back and I said remember me I called you know a few days ago it wasn't it's not just wait he's he's doing heroin and I I was in a full-blown like panic I I just I didn't know I didn't know I couldn't believe it how did you find out that he was on heroin take me through that again my we searched his room often because we knew that he was smoking pot and we had zero tolerance because he had recently got a car and just started driving so we wanted to make sure he wasn't driving around stoned or you know putting other people in harm or people dispatched injures or other people on the roads so we had a really hard line with you can have a car you know and you can do all these things but you you know no drugs and so we would search his room just to make sure we were on the same page and so he had his first day of school at the JC the local JC here and my husband searched his room and he found paraphernalia and he waited until I got home from work to tell me he said or he confronted Giancarlo and Giancarlo started crying and admitted it and they talked and Giancarlo admitted he needed help he got himself in a position where didn't know how to stop anymore and so when I got home I had and told me and I went straight into my son's room and I just said your own car like what you're doing heroin and you know like how how did something happen to you you know that's kind of your first I've talked to a lot of parents that's our first thought it's like how my kid you know what did I miss something was he abused in some way or did he have something horrific happened to him or some trauma or something that I somehow didn't know about and he said no I nothing ever happened to me like I had a great childhood you know everything was fine he goes I just I guess I'm like the lucky 1% that just like to get high and that's what he told me and you know I think after talking to some people like I have some friends that are sober and one thing someone told me is that trauma has a scale of its own so something that can happen to my son say that he was bullied in middle school or something like that can be really traumatic for him on the same level of someone that was abused you know sexually or physically it can it can trauma is such a personal scale so you know I was expecting some huge you know something happened you don't just do heroin like there's got to be something that happened to you in order to do that and and there there wasn't it was just you know one drug I do believe that weed is a gateway drug for my son it certainly was and I think he just kept you know experimenting until he thought heroin and so that day when my husband told me I broke down talk to him about it and then that I've called your wood back in Petaluma there's not very many treatment centers for for youth like they're mostly 18 and over and stuff and there was some that were in like Sacramento that just seemed like it was a lot of like kids that were in trouble previously and I just wanted to make sure I had a loving environment for him to go to and recover and heal not something that was like a punishment you know and I didn't I didn't know what I was doing I just had called there and you know I kind of just luckily found them and so does that day still stick out in your memory it's one you'll it's kind of a changing moment for you 100% from there I mean did you did you as a parent have trouble or or did you feel that your son was agreeable to wanting to get help I did he was agreeable to everything he and I felt like I that was a lot of pressure too because I feel like I was guiding him kind of blindly because I you know I I have never dealt with anything like this I don't like I you know I just didn't know what the right thing to do was obviously I think I knew he needed to be in inpatient treatment because he did say I you know I I can tape her down I um I I'm gonna try and tape her down I'm like you can't you know like you don't just no absolutely not so I think he spent only one night at home when I found after I had found out and I asked him if he would I slept on the couch with him because I just didn't even feel comfortable with him going in his room alone that he would be using drugs I didn't know anything about this so it was definitely the that day actually was right up there with the day that he passed away to me because it was it was just as traumatic to be honest with you the day that I found out he was using heroin because I knew that he was so young still that he that's something that adults battle and have a hard time with so a child it just seems like they're sort of in this position they you know how can they battle it beast so big at beams just a kid themselves you know did you ask him where are you getting these drugs I did and he told me he was getting them from Craigslist he just would Google of black tar roofing supplies black tar wait black roofing tar anything to do with roofing supplies and so I started looking and sure enough they were all over the place and there would have they would have code words it was obvious that it wasn't like roofing supplies they would say gun powder that's a type of heroin and they would say they would have an emoji of an 8-ball that has nothing to do with roofing and then it would have the person's phone number you could just email them and just they didn't you know ask for an age or anything they don't care and so he could just meet people right down the street before he even had a car he was meeting people at 17 years old that he told you all this he told me when he was in rehab so how did your mine hand of a pen blow it still is one I still have a hard time believing like to this day that this is my reality what do you want people to know or think about I want people to think about protecting our kids I want people to think about technology and how accessible drugs are to our kids now I mean I don't claim to have the answer but I couldn't just sit here and not tell anyone Howie the truthfully how he died it was a easy for me I could have said he passed away in his sleep or something and no one would have known you know and that would have been easy easier but I just felt like I have to be of service some way like once he went into rehab I really threw myself into learning about addiction and learning about different ways people go about it and how to be the best support for him I could and I think that now I just want parents to be aware I think we need to be more aware of like technology how easy it is to get we need to hold like Craigslist accountable for having these things online and for they you know they make a lot of money they like they they need to protect our kids it's also their kids they need to protect their kids this is like it's not right to our kids to be able to buy it so readily online and he I think you would had he not been able to buy it so easily I think that he may have lived through the night that he died if he couldn't just see whatever reason he stopped working this program or whatever the reason was I could sit here and go on and on and rack my brain but if he perhaps couldn't have gotten ahold of it so easy he may have lived just through that night maybe he could have just gotten through the night and you know tried to get in the morning or start over called me you know he just I think that parents should know the terms so that when they look at their kids thumbs I plug means a drug-dealer I didn't know that clear sealant on Craigslist means meth like it's on roofing supplies I've heard somewhere that Roxy sir surf gear or some girl at boxy surf gear is for Roxy it's pills and so there's and and I don't even know the half of it these this isn't even half of it this is just what my son preferred so I can't imagine how much other stuff is on you know line there and and I do know that they police know about it I think their hands are tied because of resources and because it's such a big you know it's not even the dark web anymore it's just right there on Craigslist take me through how he described this or told you about this he told me that he would find it on Craigslist he also told me he would call a number I assume he got that on Craigslist and he would just tell the person almost like like a switchboard and call and tell them how much he wanted of what he wanted and they would meet at like a big parking lot at a store grocery store or something and then they would he would follow them to a residential street or somewhere when that like you know in a neighborhood pull over my son get out of the car and go get the amount that the person had called like the operator I mean it's a organized crime and so that way they're only carrying personal amounts so if they do get pulled over if they get in trouble it's a misdemeanor it's not a felony and they're you know it's a slap on the hand and then they just skip town and go to the next cell so it's it's very organized and that's scary because our kids have no they can't even they don't even have the thought you know their brains aren't even done being developed so it's our responsibility to protect them from this when you talk about Craigslist and and all these different ads and stuff you said at one point you actually were able to gain access to his phone tell me what you how you went about that and what you found when I got into his phone I honestly don't know how I did I was sitting in the car he was I had gotten to the point where I couldn't even walk into my house like I just I hated looking at his room I was really traumatized from thinking that he was doing you know heroin and I was say to my car and I just drove to church I went and I often did that and I was just sitting crying and I got back in my car and I just replayed a moment in my head when he was sitting on an opposite couch and in my head I could just watch his fingers and I just picked up his phone which he had left in my car when we dropped him off at rehab and I picked up the phone and I just followed my like his fingers now I didn't see his keep everything cuz where his fingers went I couldn't even tell you what it is now you know and all of a sudden it was like poof and his phone open and I was like oh my god and that was when I noticed the saddest thing for me was that he there was no text messages to friends like want to go to the movies wanna get something to eat hey have you seen you know this movie or anything it was just drugs it was pages and pages I could scroll through for probably an hour and it was just drug so and then I flashed back to those times and were you know sitting in a living room like teenagers do they're on their phone I just figured he was texting his friends he was talking about drugs he was a full-blown addict at that time so all he was talking about was drugs and that was also a wake-up call for me too what addiction like an actual drug addiction looks like because I've never seen something like that before so it was almost like a it reminded me of like an old Apple computer that would load when you were you know like it having this the information goes because it was like this much of this and this kind of pill broken happened did you try this like other people texting him and what did you think about that and I get my prescription on this date and I'll sell it to you on this date and I mean how did he get these numbers do you think they all there's just that's what they that's his circle that he ran with and so when there's a bunch of addicted adults and they're they they can sell him something and get a fix out of it then they'll do it and they do it and so I I that was you know a big wake up looking at that was that was heartbreaking to me and that the fact that I just sat with him I loved him I had no idea I mean I wasn't he wouldn't let me look at his phone anyway I'm sure like if I was sitting next to him but it was it was just mind-blowing like I never seen anything like it you know we're not trying to be harsh here but as a parent do you sit there and think am I at fault here 100% as I guess something or could I have done something else I do I think every parent does I know better like I know that I did my best like we got him into treatment quickly we took part in it like we were a hundred percent there at every family day we spent you know an entire summer like getting a babysitter for our other son so that we could go spend family days there and and I learned a lot I read every book I've seen psychiatrists psychologists I dove in a hundred percent in order to help him we did everything we could we moved so that we weren't in the same house so we would have a different room when we you know so we wouldn't be reminded all the time and then when he got out after 45 days we we chose to pay half of his rent so he could live in a sober-living house so that he was surrounded by other young men that were sober and learned kind of how to have fun and how to live but with sobriety you know rather than being I just didn't I knew it was like out of my scope of parenting I couldn't be of service to him like he needed help do you feel that treatment plan and and everything when you sent him there do you feel that made a difference I do and that's after like a lot of like soul-searching in these last three months I feel like I mean it didn't it didn't really work I guess obviously but I feel like I got another year with him because of it and that's like priceless you know he he could have overdosed and I didn't even know he was using that when I found out and because of the treatment I got it the best year I've ever had with him because he was I kind of got a glimpse of that don't he was becoming and I he spent a lot of time with his brother and I made me really appreciate it more like you know you've kind of these moments are fleeting as they grow and so I got to just look at things with a different perspective and think about how lucky I was to be here with him you know and so there wasn't a minute that went by that I wasn't grateful like to the craziest extent to see my kids playing with each other because I need it trunk crawling you know come close and um back to your question to like if I could have done anything I I look back at when he was younger talking about drugs and graduated from the DARE program and I feel like our kids are kind of gypped because then he got this they changed it you know you went through dare and they said all these bad things about smoking pot and all this and then all of a sudden it was legal and you know you it just sort of send a mixed message I felt like to him so it kind of put everything else he learned in derelict well that was illegal and now they say this is legal you know it's like not as serious and so we talked about drugs a lot I remember you know we always go can paint like almond or when he was little we go several times or the summer and I remember one time in particular he got so annoyed with my husband like because we were role-playing on different ways how to say no and we're like you don't have to just say no I don't do drugs you could say no that makes you stupid I don't want to do that and we would just say my husband I you pretend to be offering me drugs at a party and then I would like say how to say no in cool ways and he was in the backseat and he was like so he was like oh my god you guys and I think he was like twelve years old so we did discuss it we had a neighbor that broke his leg and I think they were like 14 and I went to the mom's house while they were at school I just I knocked on her door and I said hey I just wanted you to and I had no I didn't think he was on drugs he wasn't smoking pot at that time and I knocked on her door I just one let you know if you know the kid Chandler was named if he got pain pills from breaking his leg you know kids stole that at school now it's like an epidemic so you need to make sure lock those up and give him one at a time don't give him the whole bottle so he can share with his friends right I don't know like now looking back I wonder if that was some sort of premonition or then I think like did I manifest this by being so scared of it I don't know I just had been reading seeing it on the news so I was really careful or when he came to me one time in ninth grade and he said he wanted to quit football and he'd played for years and I was like I told my husband and the exact words I said you know my biggest fear would be that he doesn't want to play so he's not good at it because he's not into it and then he got an injury and then he got addicted to pain pills so it was like on my mind it was in and this was before he had ever done them but I knew enough like I wasn't I didn't go into this completely blindly like not having any idea like we discussed drugs often like if we saw someone on the side of the road that looked like they were drunk or you know like somebody that looked like they were just you know walking around doing crazy things like talking to themselves stuff so sometimes we pull over and be like drunk brother do you see that you think that that guy thought that he would get here by just smoking pot or something like drunk you know this is drug this is what it looks like and so I just think that is important because it still didn't work and so I think that's a key piece for me so I look back and look at all these things and I you know I don't carry a lot of guilt I feel like I did a pretty good job of talking to him about drugs and talking to him about how you could end up and you know I acted quickly when I found out I think I did everything right I don't think that anything I could have done would have changed his path how did you ultimately find out take me to the day of his death and what happened sorry 35 um I had talked to him I was at a dinner party the night before and we chatted and he said that he bumped someone's fender or something and driving and he was like stressed out about it and so I we got home I think 10 I called him at 10:20 and I said hey I just wanted to call and say good night and I just wanted to make sure that you're not carrying that stress with you about you know we'll figure it all out that's what insurance is for I said I I just you know don't don't take it like it's such a huge deal like we'll figure it out so tomorrow I'll call you and we'll deal with all the insurance stuff and everything and he said okay I said are you all right and he said I'm okay mom I said okay I love you and he said I love you too and then he was actually at his sponsors house when I talked to him as a sponsor so he was struggling with some cravings I think due to stress at that time and then in the morning I called him first thing he had told me you want to go on a hike on Sunday cuz I fight him over and make Christmas cookies with his brother and he said I just need some time to myself I need to get out in nature and I said okay and he said it like just so sweetly and then in the morning it was raining that day so I called him to see if he might want to come over we could deal with their insurance stuff and make cookies because Christmas was in just a week or so and he didn't answer and he always answers my calls like even if he's annoyed cuz I call a lot he always answers my calls and he it just he just didn't answer and it happened a few times like I called it would just go straight to voicemail and I just had this like I could feel it now like this just weird like sinking feeling like mother's intuition and so I called his girlfriend who was gone for the night they lived together but she had gone and seen the Nutcracker with her mom so she was at home that night she just by the night with her mother and I called her and I I text her I said Lucy talk to jar Carla she said no I'm not home I said I know but he's not answering have a bad feeling and so she called their roommate another girl and she said knock on door if he doesn't answer call 9-1-1 and so he wouldn't answer so she did the call went in at 11:11 and the paramedics came and he had died sometime before that and they I still don't exactly understand when because he they they tried to resuscitate him so I guess there's just no time of death but he they worked on him for an hour and they get Claire dad at 11:48 so when we went there the paramedics had already left and he was just in the apartment and I remember thinking like what where do I go like I guess like he wasn't in the hospital so I don't go there and like wait or I don't go to the police station or like no one told me where to go you know and so I just asked him to take me to the nearest church and I I went there and some of his friends met me there Lucy came and his girlfriend and we all just went to the church and then I the coroner came and got his body and so my dad went in sat and he spent the night at the coroner's office because I didn't want her to feel alone because I felt so weird just just driving home like I just go to my son's apartment you know he's third pedal ubers like 30 minutes away but I still didn't really know anyone there so I just it was just surreal it still is surreal when I think about it and then we had a small like Mass at our church for him on Christmas Eve because I just couldn't go through Christmas with him sitting in a quarters office you know it just didn't it just was I've never I don't I didn't know what to do so we did that and then that was just like basically for his little brother almost too because he doesn't like big crowds in it he was really upset and so we just did that with him and then we had his funeral with all of our friends and his friends and family and stuff on On January 7th do you remember the last words he said to you said I'm okay I love you more I bet that means a lot though knowing that you got that time with him and those were the last words yeah it means everything and there's one thing I know that kid knew I loved him like I would like Lake Tahoe several times even a day like in the last year since it I'm I feel like I got that as a gift like last year with him because so many parents don't get that you know there's so many parents that I've even met on a lot of like on a lot of support groups for a drug like kids who like mothers whose children have died because of this drug epidemic and like I have a friend that I met that her son and three friends took a pill they thought it was a vicodin and they bought it and they they lived to two friends lived and her son just died that's so quick that he had his phone in his hand still because it had a foot and all in it and but no kid you know couldn't have a hotspot they call it and he he died that quick and he wasn't a drug addict she just had no idea so as much as I wish he obviously wasn't knowing that he was and that he was struggling this was a very dangerous situation I I took every single day that I had with him like I just loved him and he knew it I was so excited every time he came over and you know we we it was just and it's just really really special you still pray to him now so like pretty much all day and all night I think of him I mean I talked to him I pray to God to watch over him but I I try to tell myself that we're just we're we still have our relationship or just it's just different now it's like can't like this one I just told my son because he said he misses him the other night and I said they said you're Carlos still here he just can't talk to us that instead of being in one place in his body he's everywhere now so he can talk to us with our hearts and he just can't talk with a body and my son you know there's just no easy way like that's the hardest because they were so close you know someone else me for the first time yeah on Friday if I was this your only Son and I had been dreading someone asking that and I said no I have two sons who his brothers in heaven know so we it's just him and I like it's just unfortunate yeah it's just I mean obviously unfortunate but I just feel like we could do a better job protecting our children our youth and I think there's no excuses to have this stuff online you know it just shouldn't be that easy like of course not I know this is very difficult for you and it's still very it wasn't that long ago but why some people may wonder why be so public or why would you want to put yourself out and have to go through this or tell people about it I think because I felt very alone when I first found out like there was no I tried to call around here in town there was no support groups there was no I had just no one I was you know I mean I have a great group of friends and my community is wonderful but I had no one to talk to that knew what I was talking about I get the same gut wrenching like oh when I told him everyone had that they didn't know what to say like or what – I just had no one and it was a really lonely time for me I my husband was really supportive and and I had his like I'd go to family days at his rehab but I felt I felt very alone and scared and when you talk about do you feel that you have something to offer I do I feel like maybe if people are more open about it we could support each other or the more that we talk about it we could come up with ideas no one idea is going to solve this problem and understand that but a lot of little ideas can make a dent in it you know if we get these drugs off of the internet that might save someone's life just even if they if not it can go an hour not be able to get it maybe they'll change their mind or you know talk to their sponsor or do something else that that saves their life so well taking it off some people would say like if they need to get online they'd get it somewhere maybe that's true but maybe it's just enough time to live I know you've probably thought about this a lot but if you could change one thing or if you wanted to go down your laundry list of things you want to see done where would you start I think that there should be laws about the content of what's for sale on online how easy it is to get it I think that even YouTube but you can learn how to administer drugs that there's no you know I mean I know that there's a fine line between like having the right to like post wherever you want and and not but I just think that technology came quickly and we had to figure it out quickly and it's really hard to parent and deal with drugs and there's snapchat and like they didn't post pictures of drugs for sale ecstasy pills or whatever which often time is now laced with fentanyl it's everywhere it's coming here quickly I think that and they're they're just erased that quickly you know we I think that we just need to be really changed some laws and make it a very serious offensive if they're posting drugs online because our kids don't have the knowledge you know too often times even if you talked about even if you had the open conversation the teenagers are impulsive and teenagers make their there so easily swayed and their brains not done being develops and I'll have the decision-making skills throw on weed on top of that and stone kids make really bad decisions so I think well knowing what you know now do you blame Craigslist for your son's death no I can't say that I do I don't I feel like I'm very lucky to not hold a lot of blame it's a it's a nationwide problem Craigslist is a piece of it I feel like he may have possibly lived through the night if he couldn't get it that night online I know that's where I got it who do you think should be policing that I think Craigslist I think that I think that they should have I think that well whatever you're if it's YouTube then they should have a whole entire department that is their job to make sure that the content that they have online is safe I mean it's like they would have that they would protect children from having like child porn on Craigslist right you're not seeing that popping up or anything and same with like a YouTube or something like that because there's a way that they stop that or it would be there because they're so harsh about it because they're protecting our kids well it's the same it's just as dangerous you know it's just as bad like they should be also policing and taking that a bigger making it a priority it almost seems too easy though that even a 19 year old can figure out these code names and be able to just text someone and get the drugs in hand yeah and I mean it's that's what that's what I mean it's ludicrous I had no idea before this I don't think anyone does like I said when I was a teenager we didn't have tonight a belieber so in order to even I'm in a situation now where I'm parenting a kid and they know more about the phone than I do like and I can set a million of these like you know they teenagers will get around everything and I just feel like we're almost it's scary because technology crept up on us it happened very quickly and and we don't have the tools as parents to I mean we can read articles all day long but it's gonna have to be something it has to we all need to help each other Craigslist needs to watch their content and and parents need to know their code these code names of what they're looking for and I think that it's sort of a group effort needs to take place because it's our kids do you think police are aware of this stuff that's out on Craigslist a hundred percent and I don't that's what one I do get angry about that because yes they do and I don't know why we don't have the resources to arrest people for that I don't I don't understand that I don't I mean I've talked to detectives and they've said that they just simply don't have the manpower and I don't understand that it's it should be a priority we're in an emergency like that opioid epidemic is a crisis that our country is facing and everyone knows about it so to hear that they don't have the manpower their hands are tired or it's too you know that I don't understand that I don't that does make me angry because it would you say that there are thousands of other children just like your son that is going around and looking at these web pages and represent absolutely there is 100 percent I mean and it's a it's a statistic sadly there's no doubt I'm sure it was and we talked a little bit earlier about this but the signs are almost hard to see right what would you say that you know you didn't even realize I mean other than the isolation thing but I just noticed that he didn't seem as he didn't go out and do things with us he just seemed a little isolated I would say but he never was like nodding out or he there was no physical I mean I wonder school could even work he never didn't he was going to school he had you know he was doing everything that he could I mean he start his he started at the JC and he had just gotten excited cuz he learned how easy it was gonna be to transfer and he had met with a counselor there at the NAP of the junior college it was really awesome and he was excited about his future and this is before I before we found out he was on drugs and he wasn't late first curfew he didn't ever talk back to me he was always so nice to me and so nice to his brother and it was just a pleasure to be around all the time so other than the isolation mm-hmm do you feel like the drugs robbed you of time that you could have spent with your son in the future and seeing what he would have grown up to be of course I did you I call it like I do my best to like touch myself but I I call it like I could get a case of the whole Nevers and somedays it's really it could soothe me because I'll never get to meet his grandkids and that's kind of where my mind goes I'll never guessed he'd be an uncle to his brothers kids I'll never get to see him and his brother in each other's weddings I'll never get to know if he wanted to grow a beard so bad and he was just 19 he had just her 19 so that week some reason that always pops in my head is I'll never know if he would have gotten that beard that he wanted but I I catch myself now and I just say I changed my like all Nevers – I got choose kind of that that's something I tell myself so you know I got to see my son be the best brother and I got to see my son in love because he you know had a really special girlfriend for the last year and a half and I got to see how he treats women you know I was proud of how he treated his girlfriend and I got to see the kind of person I got a glimpse into his person you know like a lot of people if they lose their small children you know the I'll bet that they that's something hard for them they will know what kind of person they would have been tonight even it was just a very small glimpse aight i got a glimpse of that not enough but I got to see I have a pretty good idea of what kind of person he was and would have been you know so sometimes I'll still just I feel like we talked so much and we were so close that I will in my head I'll I'll sit like if I see it you know an article on something that he would have liked and I'll still tell and I'll tell him like in my head no Charlie won't believe this and and I can almost I talked to him so often and I could almost hear what he would say to me back and so that makes me feel good you know so there's little things that I know that I have a little one who's watching you know I deal with it too so that is like how is your family doing I mean are you strong together yeah myself my little sudden he just you know he just doesn't understand like he he knows he's not coming back but he just he puts he draws pictures all the time for him puts it in the Bible he'll draw like he drew a picture I was telling you of a happy meal and he said in case there's no McDonald's in a while and heaven then he will draw pictures of like their apartment and how old is he now seven suppers great okay so my husband just told him that chunk wrought an invisible disease that made him sad and he took medicine that the doctor didn't give him and that someone else gave him and it made him fall asleep and not wake up they went to have it

3 comments

  1. If you can help my friend, she really needs rehab. I don't want to see her die: https://www.gofundme.com/cleanandserene93

  2. Amanda, Thank you for being so honest about this. Pot is stronger today and does lead to other drugs. Crazy heroine is so accessible, Craigslist! Craigslist needs to clean up their site ASAP. Thank you for sharing code words most of us wouldn't know. I also think it's good to hear that one persons trauma is personal, that really makes sense. Keep talking, keep sharing your families story. I know its tough but you are saving other families from this type of tragedy. ~Anna xo

  3. Such a powerful story. Thank you for the strength to share. I will pray for you and your family.

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