Review – Addiction



– PATTY IN
PARK CITY, UTAH, TEXTS: – WELL, THE ONLY THING
I'VE EVER BEEN ADDICTED TO IS A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE. I GUESS THAT
DOESN'T COUNT, THOUGH. – I DON'T THINK SO.
– ALL RIGHT, THEN. I AM ABOUT TO GO
AND GET MYSELF ADDICTED TO SOMETHING STRONGER AND MORE POWERFUL
THAN KNOWLEDGE. AHA. THOSE ARE NICELY MADE LINES. WELL, I HAVE NEVER
DONE COCAINE BEFORE, AND I HAVE NO IDEA
HOW EASY OR HARD IT IS TO GET ADDICTED TO IT. I CONFESS I AM QUITE NERVOUS
ABOUT THIS, BUT– THANK YOU. BON VOYAGE. – HAPPY SAILING. – [snorts] [grunts] AAH. OH! THAT'S LIKE BLEACH
IN MY SINUSES. THAT'S TERRIBLE. [coughs, hacks] NO. THAT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING. GOOD-BYE, COCAINE. – NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
MISTER– AAH.
– WHAT? YOU WOULD'VE LIKED
TO HAVE DONE THAT COCAINE? – NO.
– NO, OF COURSE NOT. THAT'S ABSOLUTE GARBAGE.
THAT'S TERRIBLE. I FEEL LIKE GOING FOR A WALK.
YOU WANNA GO FOR A WALK? – YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA
TAKE OUT YOUR TRASH REAL QUICK. – THAT'S FINE. SOME PEOPLE SIMPLY
CAN'T GET ADDICTED. THEIR BRAINS ARE TOO STURDY. COULD THIS BE MY PROBLEM? I TESTED THAT HYPOTHESIS
WITH TWO OTHER FAMOUSLY ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES: CIGARETTES FILLED
WITH TOBACCO… [coughing] OH, NO, NO, NO. AND ALCOHOLIC WINE. BUT I COULD NOT GET
THOSE MONKEYS ON MY BACK. ALL THIS DOES
IS MAKE ME SLEEPY. I THINK I'LL, UH,
GO TO THE BATHROOM. [exhales] SO YOU CAN ADD ALCOHOL
TO THE LIST OF [bleep]
I'M NOT ADDICTED TO. I MEAN, MAYBE I'M JUST
INVULNERABLE TO ADDICTION. LIKE, WHAT AM I,
A SUPERHERO? IT'S MR. INVULNERABLE! [laughs] OKAY, SO I HAVE TRIED COCAINE, CIGARETTES, ALCOHOL. DIDN'T GET ADDICTED
TO ANY OF THOSE. BUT THERE'S ONE MORE THING
I NEED TO TRY. COCAINE!
[chuckles] JUST LIKE MY WIFE SUZANNE,
WHO FOR YEARS HAD ENJOYED TAKING POT
FROM TIME TO TIME, MY OCCASIONAL RECREATIONAL USE
OF COCAINE HAD IMPROVED MY LIFE. I WAS MORE PRODUCTIVE… RED ONES AND YELLOW ONES.
I GOT A LOT OF RED BOOKS– I MADE MORE SCARVES… I'M MAKING YOU ONE. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL WEAR IT
OR NOT–I DON'T EVEN CARE. I WAS A BETTER FATHER. CHICKEN LITTLE GOES UP
TO HENNY PENNY. "HENNY PENNY,
THE SKY IS FALLING!" AND OF COURSE HENNY PENNY
DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THE SKY IS FALLING?" THE SKY IS FALLING! [snores] [sniffs]
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. – HEY, FORREST.
– [grunts] – DID YOU MAKE
14 ATM WITHDRAW– WHOA.
– YEAH, SORRY. – WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
– NOTHING, IT BROKE. IT JUST BROKE.
IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE. NO. WHAT? WHAT?
– OKAY. SOMEBODY MADE 14 ATM WITHDRAWALS
THIS WEEK. – WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME
THAT IT WOULD BE ME? DID YOU EVER CONSIDER MAYBE WHAT'S-HIS-NAME IS DOING IT? IT COULD BE
WHAT'S-HIS-NAME. – WHO'S WHAT'S-HIS-NAME? – YOU KNOW, UPSTAIRS. THE KID.
[clears throat] ALL RIGHT, HOT SHOT,
DO YOU KNOW HIS NAME? – ERIC? – ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YES, YOU WIN THAT ONE. – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? – NOTHING'S WRONG.
I'M FINE. I'M JUST TRYING
TO EAT SOMETHING. – [sighs] – SHOW ME WHAT I DID WRONG. – I'M PRETTY SURE
THESE GRAY ONES GO IN HERE. – I VOLUNTEERED
TO CHAPERONE ERIC AND HIS FRIENDS
ON A CAMPING TRIP AND MADE
AN IMPORTANT DISCOVERY ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP
TO COCAINE. WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, ERIC. HAVE YOU SEEN, UH,
THAT BAG THAT I HAD, THAT LITTLE PLASTIC BAG
OF, UH, CAMPING POWDER? – NO. – BEING SEPARATED
FROM COCAINE FOR SIX HOURS MADE ME REALIZE
I HAD A PROBLEM, AND I NEEDED HELP… IN THE FORM
OF MORE COCAINE. – HEY, MR. MACNEIL.
– DO YOU HAVE IT? – YEAH.
– THANK YOU. GOD. ALL RIGHT, MEN, WE'RE GONNA DO
EVERYTHING THIS WEEKEND. WE'RE GONNA GET OUR
BIRD-WATCHING BADGES. WHO WANTS THEIR BIRD-WATCH–
ANYBODY WANT THEIR BIRD-WATCHING BADGE,
WE'RE GONNA DO IT. WE'RE GONNA FIND SOME BIRDS,
AND WE'RE GONNA WATCH THEM, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET OUR
ORIENTEERING BADGES, YOU GUYS. – YOUR NOSE IS BLEEDING.
– OH. THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M HAVING
A HEART ATTACK, YOU GUYS. – DAD?
– I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. – DO YOU HAVE SHOOTING PAIN
DOWN YOUR ARM? – YEAH, I GOT SHOOTING PAINS
EVERYWHERE. OH, MY GOD,
I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. I'M DEFINITELY GONNA DIE. I AM DEFINITELY GONNA DIE! OH, GOD! OH!
– DAD? – SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! SHUT UP.
HOW DO YOU KNOW CPR? WHY DO YOU KNOW CPR?
THIS KID'S A COP! – DAD?
– THIS KID IS A COP! [birds chirping] – WE DON'T KNOW
HOW HE'LL REACT, BUT REMEMBER, YOU LITERALLY
COULD BE SAVING HIS LIFE. SO IT'S IMPORTANT
EVERYONE IS HERE AND– – OH, MY–OKAY.
– OH, WHAT IS THIS? OH, IS THIS AN INTERVENTION? ALWAYS A FAST LEARNER,
I WAS PROUD TO SEE I HAD GONE FROM FUMBLED SNORTING
TO OVERDOSE TO FAMILY INTERVENTION
IN RECORD TIME. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
PUT YOUR LETTERS AWAY. I CAN SAVE YOU SOME TIME.
NO, NO, NO. I'VE BEEN A MONSTER, RIGHT? EVERYBODY'S GONNA SAY THAT,
RIGHT? I'VE BEEN A REAL TERRIBLE DAD.
I LET YOU DOWN. I'VE BEEN A HORRIBLE
SON-IN-LAW. I'VE BEEN A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT
AS A DOG OWNER. I'VE BEEN SUCH A BAD NEIGHBOR. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID
TO THESE GUYS. WHO CARES?
LET'S GO TO REHAB! I CAN'T WAIT TO GO
TO REHAB! COME ON, TOM, HURRY UP! I DON'T NEED ANYTHING. LET'S JUST GO!
LET'S JUST GO! – I-I GUESS I SHOULD GO TOO.
– OKAY. – SORRY. – WELL, I'M GONNA READ
MY SPEECH. I WORKED HARD ON IT. "IN THE WORDS
OF GRANDMASTER FLASH, "YOU GOING HIGH
ON THAT COCAINE. YOU GOING CRAZY
LIKE A COCAINE TRAIN." – WHEN I GET BACK FROM REHAB, I'LL PROBABLY SAY COCAINE
IS TERRIBLE, BUT DON'T BELIEVE ME.
COCAINE IS AMAZING! I GIVE IT A MILLION STARS! DO NOT BELIEVE THE GUY
IN THE STUDIO WHO TRIES TO TELL YOU
IT'S TERRIBLE. – [sobbing]
– THAT GUY IS A LIAR!

28 comments

  1. I had a flashback to having those lines and exhaled thru the straw blowing it everywhere on the carpet πŸ‘€

  2. i'm sorry but i just can't write off addiction after seeing just one review. I'll have to try it myself and see if i like it

  3. Is this dude for real, or is this a joke. What is this show bruh

    Also don't use a rolled up bill for snorting, you can get hepatitis and all sorts or shit. Safer devices are like a cut up straw or personal device you can buy for a couple beans

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