Social Anxiety At Work | 5 Counterintuitive Hacks



what's up guys this Wednesday's welcome back to my channel today we are talking about social anxiety how to overcome it especially in the workplace and I'm gonna tell you the five counterintuitive hacks or tips or however you want to call them that I have used because the main reason why I was so successful in the consulting industry and banking despite the fact that I probably got like to a point where the people were much more skilled and let's say the technicalities and the details in the math of it all I made a career due to my social skills and to using that to my advantage in a positive way that was beneficial for everybody and when I say my social skills I'm not saying that I was cool with everybody that I was working with everybody that there was peace and harmony I have had confrontations with partners directors and we've had situations where afterwards they just found a new level respect for me and others have just like just said they are never gonna work with me again they didn't say it to my face but they just like left my space and that was actually the best thing that could have happened to me so those things are just like a consequence of everything that happened and while I was able to apply myself and I see more and more with so many of you that I'm talking to that this is actually one of the biggest hurdles that you don't know exactly how to approach the situation to keep your boundaries intact because most of you do have this sense of oh I understand people so how can we use this to our advantage that is not just beneficial for us but for everybody before we started I want to remind you if you want to dig deeper into your personal development if you're ready to take on the next step in creating your life and taking responsibility for all the fulfillment you want to have check out the epic life masterclass where this is just like a little part of it if you're interested in coaching check that out I also offer single sessions now and if you want to stay updated with future retreats boot camps group coaching whatever it may be sign up to the newsletter all the links are below the video and make sure to stay in the end then I have like this bonus tip that I've used everywhere in my life that's made a huge difference when it came to social anxiety I have gotten myself really from somebody who was a tol outcast I was totally the person that everybody picked on in school and I have learned to use that to my advantage and really make a career out of it in all areas of my life so the first one is isolation is not your friend this is so important to understand because so many of us do that I used to do that it was more of I don't want to rock the boat I don't want to cause any problems if I really approach it that way how can that be of any harm to me that was something I thought but it's not gonna help at all like that's just it may keep you over like your head over water but only even even that only for a minute only for like particular time because in the end people will put their stuff on you if you are not the person who can stand up and say this is me and it's not even other people's fault it's just like a natural thing that everything we don't want in ourselves we just project on the outside and if there's somebody who doesn't put up boundaries as and this is who I am and whatever you put on me as in this is the image somebody has of you if you do not you know say something or be and feel that you're not that you're just gonna drown that's just like facts that's just how our human psyche works and as I said it's not other people's faults but it's it's not our fault that we got this way but we have the responsibility and the chance to change that this everything that I'm saying like remember that this is just you know a choice if you want to change something if you're really happy how everything's going please keep going because there is no right or wrong but if you're at a position where you say I don't feel good listen to this like really understand isolation is not your friend it's not about not rocking the boat and not causing any problems because it will not get you anywhere and it will not be beneficial for others either because when you're not rocking the boat you're not making it known who you are that makes other people uncomfortable because they cannot trust you and it will all you know spiral down from there you kind of like become a part of this group where you're not really doing what you want you're not really putting all that you have to give to the front because like it's it's always like a two sorted two-sided sword I don't know how to say it exactly but in the end everything that you keep hidden it hides maybe something that people can judge you for but you're also hiding everything you have to give and it's always the same way the more you can be like your authentic self the more you can tap into that and be willing for people to judge you ridicule you whatever it is the better I will psyche note at this point like realize that I know very well that we're the ones who like decide how we gonna feel about it you know like in the end if like there's a person who doesn't like the way you talk and you have a problem with that you gonna feel that you gonna make that a point of feeling that but if there's another person who says well you don't have nice shoes you're not gonna care because you don't care about your shoes you always care about what other people think of you in an arena that matters to you so I you know I realized this more in a more like be aware in the end even if it's subconsciously we decide what we care about what matters to us so on and so forth so understand we have to rock the boat we have to be willing to be judged like in a way that because in the first place we think others judge us but you know understand that this has to happen more and more in order for us to feel more at peace to feel like we're more in control and we're less and less shakable and therefore anxiety really you know goes out the way it just doesn't exist anymore because you know the social anxiety comes from you hiding a part of you out of the fear that once you're like who would show it you would get rejected you would get judged and our point is to make that known more and more because then you like everything around you adapts more to you then you adapting to it hack number two realize your co-workers do not have to be your friends so that does not mean that you have to be unkind to people that you can have friendly conversations or friendly you know friendly relationships with them it doesn't mean that but it doesn't have to be a requirement so you know I talked to a lot of leaders who kind of like make that jump from being either in the middle management and going up or starting to take responsibility for a team and then there is this thing of you know we've been friends for so long and we had all these friendly you know like things the way we talk to each other and now I have to be the boss I have to say like I'm responsible for the atmosphere I'm responsible for you know saying how it's going to happen and people have to kind of play by those rules they have to let me be the leader that have to let me be the one who takes charge and who leads everybody in all aspects of it because if you have a group dynamic like this especially at work this is how the system works the conformity of it makes it work and there is no oh I can't be an individual or anything like this like if I'm talking to my mentors so if I'm like talking to somebody that I want to learn something from or if I'm talking to somebody wants to teach me something guide me something whatever it is I'm getting into position of receiving information and acting accordingly I can still make my own choices but I know that this system works because this one person is taking the responsibility you know they are taking the responsibility for the mood for whatever it is and making that happen you can also see that if you're let's say in a friendship group and one person is the one who says oh we're gonna go to the movies you gotta watch that that person takes the responsibility for the fun you know and you will know this if you have those kind of social anxieties in the situation to understand that maybe you're just as afraid and your personal life to make decisions like this for group because if it didn't work out if it wasn't fun then it's your responsibility and it's also important to understand well when I take the responsibility I might people around me but in the end I'm the one who says how it's going to be done and if somebody doesn't want to do the way like it the way I want to do it in the end my opinion has to matter more that does not mean that you cannot take information in learn from your co-workers you know take in like whatever they're saying but in the end you're the one making the decision not them and that's exactly how it's supposed to be like even in your like even if you're not the boss in like a group setting you're the boss of your life you're the center of your life and we're gonna talk about that a little bit in the next point but you know it's this is your life in the end you have to love what you want most and you know a lot of people are so afraid oh if I'm not being you know kind to others or I might like become like this you know this this overbearing and like you have to do everything at one kind of person well if you're coming from social anxiety spectrum let's call it this way and you're kind of like worried about these things it's very uncommon or rare that you will go into the complete other extreme and if you do well what's gonna happen you're gonna realize it you're gonna apologize and you're gonna move on but your fear of not wanting to be the bad guy you know if that's keeping you from actually taking on the responsibility to say this is how I want to do it this is who I am this is how like you know how I'm gonna present myself at work if you're not willing to take that chance you are not being authentic you're not being yourself and you're actually allowing other people to make decisions for you and like in nine out of ten times this is not gonna be the best decision for you not because other people mean like don't want it to be good for you it's just because they don't know you I don't know you like the only person who really knows you is you so we have to like practice this and this is a matter of really practicing and and as I said it won't make you a bad person if you overstep into the other direction where you're too controlling or too whatever like if it happens you learn from it you're just and that's it but if you just stay here it's not and another thing that will help us a lot is to understand that we need friends outside of work if you're spending a lot of time at work and you have your entire social life there that's a problem that's a problem because that in the moment you kind of like let's say you become a leader or you become somebody in charge what are you gonna do like how are those dynamics gonna affect you you're too emotionally involved in this see I learned this when I used to be somebody like this I had one friend you know that I was putting all my attention towards I had this one group like of work and that's it and if you really like that narrow and you don't have any kind of like laid out world so to say you're too emotionally involved I was too emotionally involved with a person that I wanted to help and because I was feeling that so much I was so attached to that I couldn't really be objective and even though I wanted to help somebody it just went at my cost so what I'm saying here is find friends outside your work that are on your level mentally so my friends they don't care about my job my friends they are not aware of what I'm really doing I mean they know somehow but for them we're all the same for them we're like you know there's there is not my opinion matters more than yours or whatever it is because everybody of us needs people that we can be you know peers that we can be at a level with that we can trust and if those people you're closest people are all at work you know you there's there's just like you can't make those transitions you can't become the person who will take charge or who will stand up for whatever he or she believes in because it will affect your friendships too much you know so that's what I'm saying try to build a life that is outside of you know everywhere where you want to go and they're just like your base the people who have back who are there and support you who encourage you and you do the same for them and know that everybody is on their own journey counter-intuitive hack number three you're the center of attention like listen to this very carefully when I say you're the center of your attention it means that you have to be the leading role of your life that does not mean that you have to be the center of attention of everybody's life because maybe that's the main reason why we don't stand up for ourselves it's like I don't want to be the person who kind of like puts themselves in the spotlight and then I'm forcing other people to see me as their leader or see me as somebody who says what what's going to be done we're not taking away anything from other people because the misconception here is that we have the like the power to do that you know most of the time you know people who have social anxiety and I was the same way when we're in social situations we let other people take the leading role in our life maybe your best friend is more important like their happiness than your own happiness their success than your success maybe if when you're at work you see like oh they have an idea so their idea will matter more to me than my own idea we'll see the problem with this whole thing is that we as we said that we kind of feel like they're doing this they were taking the attention and we're just playing by the book or we're playing by the rules that's not happening you actively decide to put that other person in charge of or the center of your life you make that decision and the same way like applies to work when I was at work I was the center of attention for me that means I'm like I'm doing my thing I'm doing my thing and of course I'm adapting to like you know conformity as in I want to play by the rules I want to make it comfortable and stuff like that but I know where I'm going and where I'm going might not be 100% ly in tune with what everybody else wants to do that's the most normal thing that's how actually companies whatever it is they evolve because you stay true to where you want to go and who you want to be so when I was at like you know the like my last job where I was at this you know top-tier consulting agency and banking and I knew what I was good at I was good at building IT systems I was in in banks I was good at making clients feel welcome understanding their needs what I was not good at was you know exil tape like Excel tables and spreadsheets and all of that and I had like really boss this appears to me who told me straight to my face what are you doing here you do not belong here this is like if you can't even do that and I on top of them told him I don't like writing documents like I just like I knew this is not what I'm best at this is not what I want to do and there were so many people doing that and he told me straight to my face I will be really careful mentioning that you know because this is what it's all about and I knew well that's not what I do this is what I do I build IT systems I help understanding that and this is what I'm gonna make happen here and the more I make that the center of attention of my life I'm not forcing anybody to believe that I'm not forcing anybody to accept that and say yes when says you're great I want you to be exactly how you are but what happens is that when I stay like this the people who told me this like for example this superior the supervisor just doesn't want to work with me anymore and that's a good thing because there are enough other people who will be attracted to the way you think and if there's nobody there then this place is not for you you know I'm talking to Nick's dreams he of course I can't you you know you you have to deal with inner fears and security and so on but in the end making it known what you're best at is not a bad thing because what happened then once I started like really saying well this is what I do I found out that there are actually projects within the company that were looking for people exactly like me and that was the way how I was you know how else put on the fast-track to manager this is how I made it happen then I was earning more than I don't know I think like more than most people in my position and definitely when it came to like those skills levels that everybody thought you had to have like they didn't like those rules didn't apply to me because my rules were this this is what I'm good at this is what I can do how can I apply myself with this here you know maybe you're saying well I love to do you know this part of the job but I don't like doing this part and that's why you kind of get stuck and you instead of like trying to say oh how can I make it happen you can say well I love doing this I'm not good at this so who can I give this part to who loves doing this stuff but doesn't like to do this stuff you know these are kind of things where we're putting ourselves in the center of attention you're the center of your attention of your life you're the CEO of your life you're the one who makes all of this happen and then your reality applies to that I'm not going into a company and I'm saying well I'm gonna adapt to the current state of what everybody is doing and then thinking that's gonna get me ahead a lot like that's a that's of course a strategy I know people who do that and are very successful at it because they're really good at what they do they find their bit of conformity then they're really good at you know being like the best at what they do and they move forward great that's that's a way to doing that but those are not the people that have that social anxiety kind of thing going on and that are in similar positions like me and I my skills were always kind of unique there were not typical thing that you would you know think of but that didn't make him like less about that that didn't make him less valuable at all you know and I found that out I did that and I did my my thing and because of that as I said I've I've yeah people were aware of me I was more and more being myself and if every time you're doing that you're aware of okay a judgement is coming you stand within that you take the pain in this uncomfortableness and you do not budge you kind of like just stay there and once it's gone you have one more reason and one more position understanding this is who I am this is how I like doing things and you are not gonna like once you realize oh I can actually live at this level of being myself and I don't have to like you know pretend I'm something else or something like that and it still works because this what happens the more you being honest to yourself there are people who will reject you more who kind of like thought until that point oh you're like me that makes it happen you know it's okay once you're in being honest I realized oh no that's not a person I want to work with and they're gone they're out of your way they do not bother you anymore on the other hand for the first time somebody can see you maybe somebody who can be a future mentor or people who want to follow you who see that aspect they knew that you've been hiding so long and they were not able to have a connection with you on that so the more you do that the more precisely you become like yourself the more you're being honest and being your authentic self and the more you attract the people who want to see you succeed the way you are this is where we come to step back however you want to call it number four work with people who want to see you succeed I cannot stress this enough if you have a supervisor who finds everything wrong about you that kind of like feels you should be somebody else that's not the place where you should be it's not your supervisors fault it's not like the system's fault it's not even like really your fault that you got there but understand that you know we're just too different you cannot make the best out of like where you're at and move forward in like a way that is stress-free and where you're being appreciated when the person above you kind of wants to see you as a reflection of who they are and what they want to be like to see in the world or in the company or whatever it is you know like it's I'm not saying it doesn't work I know a lot of people who've you know become Tech's lawyers you know doctors I have a lot of people in my surrounding who are very successful and they've made it by playing by the rules they've made it by really pushing through any obstacles in a way of people not wanting to see you succeed in your own lane as I said not their fault they were just different and you kind of like feeling I have to be the version they want me to be and so they keep on grinding and keep on rhyming and keep on working on those things that they're not that passionate about or not that good at instead of saying well this is who I am this is what I'm good at and I'm willing for you to see that I'm not who you want me to be even if you're my supervisor even if you're the person who could make me you know successful because I know if I can't be successful by being myself why be there why be in that position and especially when you're in a bigger company you'll see how things will just change even people like even like people who wanted to see you a certain way once you show up and you're being yourself it just changed you their view about you and then they want to see you succeed the way you are I've seen this happen so many times but it's not gonna happen if you hide and you're trying to conform to something somebody else wants you to do when you know deep down this is not what you're really good at you don't get as I said it works but that's gonna be the hard way and it's not gonna help you with your social anxiety overcoming your social anxiety it's not being fearless it's being courageous when you're in fear and showing up and making it known this is who I am this is what I'm good at and I'm okay if you think I'm too lazy I'm okay if you think on – I'm not strong enough if I'm not masculine enough and I'm not feminine enough if I'm not you know what you want me to be this is who I am so let's see how it can be of the biggest benefit for me for the group for the company wherever you're at buy me Haunting in on the things that I'm good at and as I said if the people above you below you in the hierarchy like around you do not want to see you succeed don't go run don't go run and even like and that's the thing sometimes you don't even have to run run you just gotta like make it known this is Who I am and people just vanish they kind of make you know like I don't want to work with you this is not what what I'm about and that gives you room to see who does actually want to work with you what ways there are and the company to move forward see I got to a point where I was so being myself and I made that more and more like a thing that I realized I got to a point where I knew the next step for me is to really leave that and do my own thing that was for me this step because I knew like if I wanted to keep going in that company there are certain rules that you know I just have to like you know like really play by or whatever it is that are not the easiest way for me they're not the thing that will make me be more of who I am I had to learn things and do things that I just didn't want to learn and so I realized okay now is the step like the time to go out you know I'm you me I have started this like years before and kind of like preparation for that step but wherever you're at just be aware you are the center of attention you need people who want to see you succeed and with that being said try to make it as easy on you as possible for example if you're really good at soft skills add methods but you're not really good and let's say hard skills whatever it is say when I let's say you're not really good at you know writing reports but you're really good at managing a team or you're really good at you know let's say bring people together or finding like a conclusion whatever it is those are methods and on the other hand hard skills are like writing documents you know doing all kinds of like systems of building spreadsheets whatever it is just as an example if we think if we're really good at the soft skills for example and we're not that good at the hard skills why in the world would you make hard skills more important than soft skills you're making that decision in your life we come back to being the center of attention of your life when you're saying soft skills are the most important you're not forcing anybody in the world to take on this belief everybody else if they want to they can believe that you know whatever they want and they on the fact what you're choosing is the most important to you that's how your environment will adapt so if I'm really good at soft skills and I'm not that good at like hard skills why would I think hard skills are better than soft skills you make that decision that the thing that you're best at the thing that is easiest for you becomes the most important to you you have a choice you always have a choice and you're actively deciding to prioritize and like put on a pedestal things that you're less good at because we kind of like our domesticating ourselves we're doing this what society our parents are our peers used to do when we were little and we kind of take that on ourselves you're the master of your life you're the creator of your life you're the CEO of your life why would you choose to think something is better that you don't like doing or that you are less good at and where most of the time not aware of it the more you hone into this the more you focus on this the more you realize well this is what I'm good at so I'm gonna make decisions every day who I'm working with what kind of roles I take on so on that make then will always put you in situations that are more here than here those are little decisions tiny decisions we make every day and before you know it you kind of like find yourself in this position where you're being respected for what you love to do because there are a lot of people who need exactly this they don't have this but you have it so why hide it but you have to be willing to make it known it this is not the thing that you're good at about this and to stay in that truth because as long as you're hiding this people might like you but they don't like you for who you are because this is who you are in this example somebody who's good at soft skills and somebody who's not good at hard skills I'm you know taking a black-and-white approach here just for you to understand it but you know what I'm saying like why make people believe that you're this person that's so great at this when you're not it's okay for a minute it's not like that big of a deal I've done it too but this is just like you know get over a little hurdle to get myself somewhere across in the end it's always just a matter of in what direction are you working towards whatever it is it's about being less and less the version of yourself that is pretending to be somebody else I'm sure that on some level I'm still projecting an image that is fear-based that is hiding something like like for myself and I'm not even aware of it we always have those layers over layers and hopefully in a couple of months I will look back at today and realize that but you know I'm making conscious decisions to work towards being more and more myself and people seeing that side of myself and making decisions like even something where I said I'm I can't do I know J videos anymore because I've really talked about this topic and all capacity that I could talk about and but that was the more popular choice but it's not my truth I I'm like done all of that for me those are the topics I'm interested now and losing people who only want to watch a video where it says infj in the front like please please then leave because why have people like you if you're not being yourself and you just make decisions like this and every time you might feel like oh oh there's like this valley now me readjusting but it gives you an opportunity to reach even newer heights and levels because the more you being yourself the more it's like this intrinsic thing of wanting to grow the more you're moving limiting beliefs and the more you're removing things that are keeping you from being the best version of yourself as I promise I want to give you like this bonus tip it's it's actually so like obvious but I apply it daily and I know that this is something that I tell my friends my parents my clients and so on if you have a situation where you're talking to a person and you don't have a good dynamic whatever it is it might be a worker might be two co-workers it might be a boss whatever it is if you at a point where you have some kind of disagreement tell yourself I do not need that person to understand me I don't need to make that person understand the way my mind works I don't need them to believe I'm a good person I don't need them to believe I'm valuable I don't need them to believe that I'm skillful that's the key because the moment you have those things and you say them to yourself you stay true to what you believe you are who you are you're not basing the way you feel about yourself on what that person might say because guess what you chose that this person's opinion matters you chose that this company is for you you chose whatever it is so you're making those decisions anyways so the moment you say well I'm gonna stay in like conformity with myself with what I am like wanting to do and who I am and in alignment you will see people will always at first kind of take a step back always there's not even like a question about it like everybody does this you know when you for the first time like show you truth but then two things happen people either adapt to like the more version of who you are they rearrange their mind and they come back because they value you or they realize well that's not a person that makes sense in my life the way they see the world just doesn't work with the way I see my world and they just leave your life it might be a slow process it might be that they're still in your life but they're like at a you know how do you call uh physically like more distance to you like it's all good it's all how it's supposed to be the more you make those decisions and as I said it's a matter of leaning into something you work on those five steps hacks which is isolation is not your friend you do not need your co-workers to be your friends you are the center of attention you need people who want to see you succeed and make it as easy on you as possible prioritize the things you want to do and keep in mind you do not need people to understand you if you stay in your truth the people who do understand what you're saying will come into your life and the others will vanish but don't make it a point of trying to convince your people whoever it is it can be everybody at work maybe your family but now that we're talking at work you do not need people to understand your reasoning you know if you're convinced of what you know is right like why need convincing of like why do you need to convince other people I do not need to convince other people what I feel is like that behavior I know that and I might say it once I'm not saying and like don't explain yourself at all but you explain it like to somebody once and they do not want to see your vision or the way you see the world that's okay that's okay you stay in your truth they can do their own truth okay I really hope that helped you as I said in the beginning of the video if you want to dive deeper check out the epic live masterclass all the new offers for one-on-one coaching sign up to the newsletters and stay tuned my friends thank you again for 1 million views I reached the day before you sorry I think I wish you a wonderful day and I talk to you next time bye

6 comments

  1. I have learned a lot of similar ideas in my own work history. But I like the way you have 5 principles given logicallt. It's helped me understand my own growth better.

    I grew up hearing that I needed to strengthen my weaknesses and while there's a place for that, I also believe (a) we need to concentrate more on what we naturally love and find rewarding and (b) sooner or later, get out of environments where we're with people who don't want to see us succeed. LIfe is too short not to be doing what gives us the most satisfaction and joy on life.

  2. I'm perplexed about these kind of videos. Like watching what I'm not 100% percent convinced about makes me irk a bit. Hidden extroverted thinking I guess ยฏ_(ใƒ„)_/ยฏ But I'm glad I did and I think I got your point. Really useful! Thank you, Wenzes!

  3. Thank you for this video Wenzes! I realize that Iโ€™ve tried to force myself into roles I donโ€™t like because they seem more valuable to others vs the kinds of work I like to do. But work that I like doing will end up being more valuable to everyone. Seems so obvious but of course there are often self esteem and confidence issues mixed in with social anxiety.

  4. Social anxiety at work has been a struggle for me, and yes, I used to isolate myself from others. I have been making strides to change that, and things are improving. I am a different person today than I was just one year ago.

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