I’m a bad motherfucker * * B-A-N-J-O—M-U-S-I-C * * What am I gonna do? I don’t wanna go on a blind date. What a terrible idea. The blind date. It’s just one of your friends being like, “Hey. I know two sad single people. They should be sad togetherrr.” No one’s ever happy with who they’re being set up with. You get to the date, and you’re like, “Oh I guess, I guess my friend thinks I’m come into redheads. W-Who ride Harleys. Who are dudes! Then I leave the date feeling like I was tricked. That’s why it’s called “being set up.” And say it is a she and she has boobs of the female persuasion. She could be some psycho under the surface. I’m always finding out something wrong with them half way t-t-through the date. It’s like they’re hot, but oh, th-they’re married; or they’re nice, but oh th-they’re Republican! I mean I’m a catch. Right? I mean I floss. I pay my bills. I drive a b-b-… Toyota. I’ll bet she judges me on something s-s-superficial like what I smell like. Whatever. I’m not going. I just won’t go. That’s it. I’m not going. That’s it. I just won’t go. So sorry I’m late. I’m Andy. So are you late or are you Andy? Ah. Y-Y-You’re funny. Actually. I’m Jenna. Nice to meet you. Well, have you been waiting long? Oh just about all my life for Mr. Right. T-T-Tell me about it. But they’re all either married or Republican. Then I’ll be your Mr. Left. Taaa haa haaa…politics. H-Have you been here before? I don’t think so, but I like the ambiance. Yes. They’re known for their ambiance. Mmm delicious ambiance. Waiter, can I get a box for all this ambiance? Yes, Waiter, we’re on our way to Bed Bath Ambiance. We can listen to Jay-Z and Beyooonce. Ah ha…ha…puns! Ah puns! So, how do you know James? I’ve cat sat for him a few times. It’s it’s it’s really testing our friendship. I have battle wounds. Is that why you sound nervous? I promise I don’t scratch. Oh oh oh that’s my stutter. He goes with me on dates. It makes it makes it makes for an awkward third wheel or a really funny threesome. I thought James would have mentioned it. Actually I have somethi…. Here’s the dirty martini you ordered. Hello, Sir. What are we having for dinner tonight? Well I…would… I would love the la-la-lasagn…. Aaand for the lady? Could you read the entrees for me, Andy? Ohh, okay, so this is just s-s-some ploy t-t-to humiliate Andy. Huh? Let me guess, Mr. Waiter, you’re in on it. Let’s make him read the whole menu and watch him stumble. Andy. Maybe he’ll keep stuttering un-un-until they reopen tomorrow. Andy. THEN WE’LL START ON THE BREAKFAST MENU! I’M BLIND! What? What are you deaf? I said I’m blind. So, this is ACTUALLY a blind date. Well, It’s certainly not a speed date. Zing! I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were blind. Does it matter? Of course not. Does it matter that I…? drive a Corvette? This was a bad idea. Does your car have the handicapped placard? No, Andy, surprisingly I can’t drive. Because you’re a woman? Zing! Damn it. Where is the…where’s the waiter? He would…he would…he would have “zinged!” I’m gonna go. Ah, Jenna, wait. I think we could work. You’re not my type. How would YOU KNOW?? You haven’t felt my face. Yet. I can just tell. What is a type? Like a blood type? What are you? A vampire? It’s not that, Andy. A, B, POSITIVE. Ah ah ah You’re too short! Whoooooaaaaaaaaa Now look who’s at the shallow end of the pool. You’re there too, right? Cuz your feet touch. How can you even tell that I’m short?
Also I’m not. Because I can feel your breath hitting my chest. It’s gross. Yes, so you’re either short or a pervert. Oh, don’t flatter yourself, Jenna. M-m-my breath hit your chest before puberty did. Oh, so you’re a pedophile now. Can we get a kid’s menu…for the pedophile? Yeah, one would connect the dots. S-s-so Jenna has something to read. AHH! AH AH AH!! OWWW!! How did you aim!? Come here, you little bitch! No YOU come here, you little she-devil. Don’t you mean Daredevil? OHH! UMM! AAH! UUMPH! You’re disrupting the ambiance! * * B-A-N-J-O * *